Bum Biddy (with Alison Krauss, Lainie Kazan, Rob Schneider, Jon Lovitz, John Farley, Chance Langton & Jason Housman feat. Singing Townspeople)

Tommy, nothing personal
 But Whitey Duval should've won the Patch tonight
 And you people are crazy for not realizing that
 Why would we give Whitey Duval the Patch?
 So he could use it as a blanket?
 That's the reaction I thought I'd get
 Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey
 Either through basketball, the mall or various odd jobs he does around town for free
 Or at most a dollar
 And I'm guessing ninety-nine percent of you have either laughed in Whitey's face
 Or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or voice or sister or shortness when he wasn't looking
 But the next time you'd see him he'd still go out of his way to smile
 And wave at you and ask you about your mother's operation or something like that
 Because he unlike us actually cares about someone other than himself
 The reason I bring this up to you
 Is because I was the worst offender of all
 My life was simply going nowhere
 Then a tiny little man rushed to my side
 He should've gotten a big thank you
 Instead he got a port-a-potty ride
 I was such a shithead
 But he never quit on me
 'Till I told him he was useless
 And his sister was freaky
 Once when we were watching Sunday football
 A fuzzy screen was all that we could see
 Whitey came over with a hanger
 And spent the game on top of our T.V
 And when the lightning struck him
 He let out a wicked loud yell
 But we just turned up the volume
 And ignored the burning smell we should all rot in hell
 I went to high school with Whitey
 As a joke I told him to meet me at the prom
 When he got there I said, "I can't believe you thought I was serious"
 So he ran home crying and slow-danced with his mom
 What a crushing blow to Whitey
 I bet you wish you could take it back
 How could you all be so mean to Whitey?
 Sound to me like you are all on crack
 Tonight Whitey was counting on this town
 To show that we care
 But the first time he really needed us we weren't there
 (And on Christmas Eve and the last night of Hannukah)
 It's just not fair
 Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum
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 I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand (yes)
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