The Goat Song

I am a simple goat
 I live on the back of a pick-up truck
 The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
 Am I happy he don't give a fuck
 "Hey goat I'm going to beat your head in with a hickory stick"
 Sometimes he uses his fists
 He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
 And tells me I smell like piss
 His drink, Jimmy Bean
 His chaser, a beer
 After that, various alcohols
 That's when the beatings get so severe
 Asleep I pray he falls
 But don't feel sorry for me
 Things weren't always this bad
 Why, when I was a young talking goat
 The Old Man was just like my dad
 I come from the hills of Europe
 That's where I met the Old Man
 He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
 He gave me a tuna can
 Then he stopped in his tracks
 And he said, "Hey Goat!
 Would you like to live with me?
 I've got a house with a pick-up truck
 In a place across the sea"
 I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
 You seem like a nice guy"
 So we went off to America
 The home of apple pie
 On the boat, the Old Man told me
 I would be a present for his wife
 "A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
 "She'd never seen this in her life"
 I felt so special!
 Well, I just couldn't believe it
 After all these years I finally had a friend
 He trimmed my beard
 He scraped my hooves
 I prayed it would never end
 But when we got to his house
 There was no wife
 Only a short, short letter
 It said: "I'm leaving you for your brother
 Because he fucks me better"
 His eyes filled with tears of sadness
 His heart was filled with grief
 To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
 And beat me like a side of beef
 I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
 He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
 No one will ever leave me again
 To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."
 Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
 My only friend is the AM radio
 Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
 But it's always rocks and beer bottles that they throw
 At first they're excited to see a talking goat
 They gather around to hear what I have to say
 But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long
 So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
 But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
 When the Old Man was passed out drunk
 Three neighbourhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
 The kind of music, old-school funk
 It was the first time I got off the truck
 The music made me lose control
 The lead singer asked if we were having fun
 I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
 The women at the show were beautiful
 As they danced sexily on the soft grass
 One of them even petted my fur
 Fuck me in the goat-ass!
 Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
 And threw me in the mosh pit
 They passed me around and treated me nice
 Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
 Then the music stopped
 And everything was quite
 And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot
 Kill the goat!
 Kill the goat!
 Kill the goat!
 Kill the goat!
 They chased me under the bleachers
 They chased me onto the street
 They chased me into an alley
 And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
 But then I saw a sight
 That I never thought I'd see
 The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
 But he wasn't swinging at me
 "Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
 Don't you press your luck!"
 The long hairs ran away screaming
 As I scrambled onto the truck
 When we got home, the Old Man said,
 "Goat, you broke the sacred law
 No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
 I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
 I'll break your fucking jaw!"
 Super! Great! Okay!
 "Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
 Thank you again and again
 You could have let them barbeque me,
 But you acted like a friend"
 "I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
 I'm just not drunk," he said
 To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
 And beat the fucking shit out of my head.
 That night a suffered a concussion deep inside my goat brain
 I still cannot feel my tail bone
 And Ill probably never walk straight again
 I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
 A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
 Just because his wife left him
 For his brother's abnormally large cock
 He could have been my buddy
 But instead he's a crazy old fuck
 And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
 The back of the pick-up truck
 Goodnight, Old Man!
 Yeah, goodnight Goat!