Gift of the Magi 2: Return of the Magi

I used to be a dead guy
 Now I'm a fucking jedi
 And I've got lots of news for you
 And I've got a long list of things to do
 I used to dwell in the present
 I used to be so hesitant
 But now I've got my whole life to live
 And I've got all my love to give
 To all you fuckers that I hate
 It's like the Gift of the Magi
 It's like the Gift of the Magi 2
 You sold your soul to buy some tits
 And I sold my soul to grow a dick
 We gotta get him in the van
 Well what if he resists?
 Just kick him in the back of the fucking head
 And put him in the back of the fucking van
 It's a miracle of science
 All this betrayal and violence
 And it lives inside us all
 It lives inside our hearts
 Just like a stupid fucking tapeworm
 Who can we blame?
 The husband divorced his wife
 After she cut her hair
 Because she was way less fuckable
 And that's just unforgivable
 He moved into a condo
 He hung out by the pool
 But he never wore a bathing suit
 He just wanted to scope out the talent
 If God doesn't like ugly
 Then God doesn't like anybody
 So fuck God anyway
 God is obsolete
 My God thinks my jokes are funny
 There's no one to blame
 People are just fucking mean
 Go suns!*
 *(referring to the Phoenix Suns, a basketball team from AJJ's hometown)