The Straight Razor Cabaret

In a café on the Champs-Élysées
 I saw a girl the other day
 I was beguiled 'til I saw her smile
 It was a gash across her face
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 Not long ago, she found that she was alone
 So she wandered into The Vaudeville Show
 She should've known it'd be bad, she saw the name that it had
 The Straight Razor Cabaret
 The first act was a stripper
 And the host looked like Jack the Ripper
 But the audience was dreary
 So he slashed them smiles from ear to ear
 He used a straight razor 'cause he's a face-raper
 And there's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud
 If he tells a joke, you'd better laugh until you choke
 At the Straight Razor Cabaret
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 When I went down to Camden Town
 I saw a man reading the Bible
 I won't in haste describe his face
 For I might be sued for libel
 Not long ago, he found that he was alone
 So he wandered into The Vaudeville Show
 He should've known he'd be maimed when he discovered the name
 The Straight Razor Cabaret
 While a strumpet stroked a donkey
 The host juggled five dead monkeys
 But the audience was snobs
 So he took a knife right to their gobs
 He used a straight razor 'cause he's a face-raper
 And there's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud
 If he does a trick, you'd better laugh until you're sick
 At the Straight Razor Cabaret
 La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
 La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
 ♪
 They call him straight razor 'cause he's a face-raper
 And there's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud
 If he pulls a gaffe, you'd better bloody up and laugh
 At the Straight Razor Cabaret
 At the Straight Razor Cabaret
 At the Straight Razor Caba-
 La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
 La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
 Everybody
 La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
 La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la
 At the Straight Razor Cabaret