Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television

I love words, I thank you for hearing my words
 I want to tell you something about words that I, I think is important
 I love, I say they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion
 Words are all we have, really
 We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, you know
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 Then we assign a word to a thought
 And we're stuck with that word for that thought
 So be careful with words, I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal
 It is a matter of how you pick them
 There are some people that are not into all the words
 There are some that would have you not use certain words, yeah
 There are 400,000 words in the English language
 And there are seven of them you can't say on television
 What a ratio that is
 399,993 to 7
 They must really be bad
 They'd have to be outrageous
 To be seperated from a group that large
 All of you over here, you seven
 Bad words
 That's what they told us they were, remember?
 "That's a bad word!"
 No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions and words
 You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?
 "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits"
 Those are the heavy seven
 Those are the ones that'll infect your soul
 Curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war
 "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits", wow
 And Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know
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 It's such a friendly sounding word
 Sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man
 Hey Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots"
 Sounds like a snack, doesn't it?
 Yes, I know, it is a snack
 But I don't mean your sexist snack
 I mean, New Nabisco Tits! And new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits
 Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits, yeah
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 "Betcha can't eat just one"
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 That's true, I usually switch off
 But I mean, that word does not belong on the list
 Actually none of the words belong on the list
 But you can understand why some of them are there
 I'm not completely insensetive to people's feelings, you know
 I can dig why some of those words got on the list
 Like, Cocksucker and Motherfucker
 Those are, those are heavyweight words, you know
 There is a lot going on there, man
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 Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling
 I mean, they're just busy words
 There's a lot of syllables to contend with
 And those Ks, those are agressive sounds, they just jump out at you
 Like, "Cocksuker, motherfucker, cocksuker, motherfucker"
 It's like an assualt on you, you know, so I can dig that
 We mentioned Shit earlier of course, and ah
 Two of the other four letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt
 Which go together of course but forget that
 A little accedental humor there
 Piss and Cunt, the reason that Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago
 Certain ladies that said, "Those are the two I am not going to say
 I don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out! 'P' and 'C' are out"
 Which led to such stupid sentences, "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now"
 And, of course, the word Fuck
 The word Fuck, I don't really, well that's more accedental humor
 I don't wanna get into that now
 Because I think it takes to long
 But I do mean that, I think the word Fuck is a very imprortant word
 It is the beginning of life, and yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often
 And uh, people much wiser than I am have said
 "I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love
 Than two people trying to kill one another"
 And I, of course, can agree, it is a great sentence
 I wish I knew who said it first and I agree with that
 But I like to take it a step further
 I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill
 In all of those movie cliches we grew up with, right
 "Okay, Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now
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 But we're gonna Fuck you slow"
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 So maybe next year, I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word, I hope so
 They are two way words
 Those are the seven you can never say on television
 Under any circumstanses, you just cannot say them
 Ever, ever, ever, not even clinically
 You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny
 I mean, it is just impossible, forget those seven, they're out
 But there are some two-way words, those double-meaning words
 Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?
 "...And the cock crowed three times", "Hey, the cock crowed three times", ha, ha, ha, ha
 "Hey, it's in my bible", ha, ha, ha, ha
 There are some two-way words
 Like it is okay for Kirk Youdi to say, "Roberto Clametti has two balls on him"
 But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?
 He's holding them, he must've hurt them, by God"
 And the other two-way word that goes with that one is Prik
 It's okay if it happens to your finger
 Yes, you can prik your finger but don't finger your prik, no, no