The Hair Piece

George Carlin
 FM And AM
 The Hair Piece
 One of the things that occurred when I began to uh, y'know, feel some changes happening to me... naturally, I was kinda still entertaining in gin joints, y'know- I realize they sell gin here, but it's really not the same as middle-class nightclubs where I spent like a lotta years and it was weird to start having hair and start having a beard and to come out, y'know, to all these folks- lotta Shriners and hookers and salesmen.which are the same as hookers, really, if you get right down to it. Uh, it was just strange. I had to find a way to break the ice. I told them a poem. I told them about my hair.
 I'm aware some stare at my hair
 In fact, some really despair of my hair
 But I don't care
 'cause they're not aware
 nor are they debonair
 In fact, they're just square
 They see hair down to there
 say BEWARE and go off on a tear
 I say "No fair"
 A head that's bare is really nowhere
 So be like a bear
 Be fair with your hair
 Show it you care
 Wear it to there, or to there,
 or to THERE if you dare
 My wife bought some hair at a fair
 to use as a spare
 Did I care? Au contraire!
 Spare hair is fair
 In fact, hair can be rare
 Fred Astaire got no hair
 nor does a chair
 or a chocolate eclair
 And where is the hair on a pear?
 Nowhere, mon frere
 Now that I've shared this affair of the hair
 I think I'll repair to my lair
 and use Nair, do you care?
 Here's my beard
 Ain't it weird?
 Don't be sceered
 's just a beard
 That's the thing. The word 'beard' shook a lot of people up. Beard! It's not American sounding. BEARD! Lenin had a BEARD! Gabby Hayes had 'whiskers'. Monty Woolley had whiskers. Yeah. Well anyway, I mention hair because I've only had extra hair for about a year now and uh, actually, it's the same hair I always had. It just used to be on the inside. I'm wearing it in a new location, that's all. And I've found there are some advantages to longer hair. For one thing, it covers the pimples on your neck. One of the disadvantages of longer hair- a lot of people think you're a Commie *** junkie. And it's tough to talk them out of three things at once. What would a Commie *** junkie sound like, y'know? (does unintelligible 'Commie *** junkie' impression)