When I Lose You

I found out what happens when I lose you
 When the trail goes cold
 And I can't find my own way home
 So I camp out
 Hoping to break in
 This cave
 This giant hole in the foundation of a mountain I used to have the faith to move
 When I lose you
 I'm left with
 No match to light the fire
 No strength to build the pyre
 Ego explodes
 And we slowly realize we cannot carry life on our shoulders
 Refuse to wait
 And the weight is crushing
 Rushing rapids of distraction carry my ship built for one
 Into a river bed that provides no sleep
 These sheets on which I used to rest
 Become the rags
 I use to blot the stain
 To numb the pain
 It's all the same
 Medicating symptoms
 Not the sickness in my brain and my heart
 And my soul
 And my spirit
 Can't you hear it?
 My entire being is a minefield of mistakes planted by my own worst enemy
 Me & you
 We had a good thing going
 In meeting we exchanged our everything
 Broken wings for the very thing I now sit without
 Walking aimless through streets of doubt
 I run in circles of self sufficiency
 And these city lights will never be bright enough to lead me from my own darkness
 Marked with discarding the one thing that really matters
 I'm singing the praises of American Idols
 That no one will remember or care about in the end
 Like an anti-Icarus
 I flew away from the son
 But somehow still managed to get burned
 Learn to resent
 Those who turn to repent
 Assessing their motives or authenticity
 Like judge and jury was somehow written on my name plate instead of totally lost
 Utterly frustrated
 And maybe even a little bitter
 I shiver with quiver in hand
 Believing that if I follow this trail of ink it will somehow lead me back to you
 Because articulating brokenness is the first step to healing
 Or at least I hope it is
 Because how many times have I bandaged the cracks in my identity
 With syllables that soak up emotion
 Trying so desperately to stop the bleeding
 And if this poem proves to be placebo
 Then maybe i've wasted my time
 Hoping for restoration in a rhyme
 When I lose you
 Then I accuse you
 Of not being there
 Or not being real
 Or not being what I want or expect you to be
 When I lose you
 I hope you find me