Why It Scares Me

At times I've shouted out unprovoked, at the world and you
 Just to see if the people around me react
 Sometimes I think they're all acting
 At times I'm scared that I'm acting too, like
 My movements are stage directions
 Was that a change in topic or a beat in the scene?
 Have I been taking my emotional cues from a script I wrote at sixteen?
 Maybe I just think about it all so much
 That the fear stays close to all the ghosts I've touched
 Makes me question
 Was it love or just lust?
 Caked in blood or old rust?
 I don't know
 Don't we remember all the moments we remember the best
 Framed in poems and in pictures, sang aloud in refrains?
 Does this cycle of pain and disdain for the past
 Not work exactly the same?
 Maybe it's just as much about what comes our way as it is how we react
 Just as much about the things that we've still got as it is about the things we lack
 I know we won't always keep around those we feel we need
 Some will fade in frames, some were born to leave
 But if we're still here, and we still breathe
 At least we've still got time
 To figure it out
 To know what to do
 To know how to feel
 Know the things that I've been making up inside my head
 And to know what's real
 I want to believe
 That the way I am is just the way it goes
 For the things that came
 Not the things I chose to come
 I want to know if I had any control
 I want to know if it'd comfort me
 And if my heart just stops, pack my memories in it
 I want to know all the love I've got
 And if my heart just stops, keep me alive for a minute
 I want to know if a curtain drops
 And if my heart just stops, pack my memories in it
 I want to know all the love I've got
 And if my heart just stops, keep me alive for a minute
 I want to know if a curtain drops (I wanna know)
 And if my heart just stops, keep me alive for a minute
 I want to know if a curtain drops
 And if my heart just stops
 I want to know if a curtain drops