Cheese Shop

Good Morning
 Morning, sir
 Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium
 Ah, thank you, my good man
 What can I do for you, sir?
 Well, I was sitting in the public library
 On Thurmon Street just now
 Skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole
 And I suddenly came over all peckish
 Peckish, sir?
 Esuriant
 Eh
 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike
 Ah, hungry
 In a nutshell, and I thought
 To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick
 So I curtailed my Walpoling activites
 Sallied forth and infiltrated your place
 Of purveyance to negotiate the vending
 Of some cheesy comestibles
 Come again
 I want to buy some cheese
 Oh, I thought you were complaining
 About the bazouki player
 Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights
 In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse
 Sorry?
 'Ooo, ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too
 So he can go on playing, can he
 Most certainly, now then
 Some cheese please, my good man
 Certainly, sir, what would you like?
 Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?
 I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir
 Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
 I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week
 Sir, we get it fresh on Monday
 Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman
 Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please
 Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks
 Was expecting it this morning
 T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?
 Sorry, sir
 Red Windsor?
 Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down
 Ah, Stilton?
 Sorry
 Ementhal, Gruyere?
 No
 Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance?
 No
 Lipta?
 No
 Lancashire?
 No
 White Stilton?
 No
 Danish Brew?
 No
 Double Goucester?
 No
 Cheshire?
 No
 Dorset Bluveny?
 No
 Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq
 Port Salut, Savoy Aire
 Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest
 Bres Bleu, Bruson?
 No
 Camenbert, perhaps?
 Ah, we have Camenbert, yes, sir
 You do, excellent
 Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny
 Oh, I like it runny
 Well, it's very runny, actually, sir
 No matter, fetch hither
 The fromage de la Belle France, mwah
 I think it's a bit runnier
 Than you'll like it, sir
 I don't care how fucking runny it is
 Hand it over with all speed
 Oh!
 What now?
 The cat's eaten it
 Has he?
 She, sir
 Gouda?
 No
 Edam?
 No
 Case Ness?
 No
 Smoked Austrian?
 No
 Japanese Sage Darby?
 No, sir
 You do have some cheese, do you?
 Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got
 No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess
 Fair enough
 Uh, Wensleydale?
 Yes
 Ah, well, I'll have some of that
 Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir
 Mister Wensleydale, that's my name
 Greek Feta?
 Uh, not as such
 Uuh, Gorgonzola?
 No
 Parmesan?
 No
 Mozarella?
 No
 Paper Cramer?
 No
 Danish Bimbo?
 No
 Czech sheep's milk?
 No
 Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
 Not today, sir, no
 Aah, how about Cheddar?
 Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir
 Not much call, it's the single most
 Popular cheese in the world
 Not 'round here, sir
 And what is the most
 Popular cheese 'round here?
 Illchester, sir
 Is it?
 Oh, yes, it's staggeringly
 Popular in this manusquire
 Is it?
 It's our number one best seller, sir
 I see, uh, Illchester, eh
 Right, sir?
 All right, okay, have you got any?
 He asked expecting the answer 'No'
 I'll have a look, sir, umh, no
 It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
 Finest in the district
 Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please
 Well, it's so clean, sir
 It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese
 You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir
 Is it worth it?
 Could be
 Have you, shut that bloody bazouki up
 Told you sir
 Have you got any Limburger?
 No
 Figures, predictable, really I suppose
 It was an act of purest optimism
 To have posed the question in the first place
 Tell me?
 Yes, sir
 Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?
 Yes, sir
 Really?
 No, not really, sir
 You haven't?
 No, sir, not a scrap
 I was deliberately
 Wasting your time, sir
 Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going
 To have to shoot you
 Right-o, sir
 What a senseless waste of human life