The Contest

I am Adolfo Pirelli, da king of da barbers
 Da barber of kings
 E buon giorno, good day, I blow you a kiss
 And I da so-famous Pirelli
 I wish-a to know-a who has-a da nerve-a
 To say my elixir is piss? Who says this?
 I do, I am Mr. Sweeney Todd
 And I have opened this bottle of Pirelli's Elixir
 And I say to you, it is nothing but an errant fraud
 And furthermore, I have serviced no kings
 Yet I wager that I can shave a cheek
 And pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity
 Than any street mountebank
 You hear zis foolish man? Watch and see
 How he will regret his folly.
 Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?
 Glad as always to oblige
 My friends and neighbors
 Ready? Ready, ready.
 The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner
 Now, signorini, signori, we mix a da lather
 But first a you gather around, signorini, signori
 You looking a man who have had a
 Da glory to shave-a da Pope
 Mr. Sweeney, so smart
 Oh, I beg-a you pardon
 Call me a lie, was a only a cardinal
 Nope, it was-a da Pope
 Perhaps, signorini, signori
 You like-a I tell-a, da famous-a story
 Of Queen Isabella
 Da Queen of-a Polan'
 Whose toot' was-a swollen
 I pull it so nice from her mout'
 That-a though to begin
 She's a screaming-a murder
 She's later-a swoon-a with bliss
 An' was heard-a to shout
 Pull all of 'em out
 To shave-a da face, to pull-a da toot'
 Require da grace and not a da brute
 For if-a you a-slip, you nick da skin
 You clip-a da chin, you rip-a da lip a bit
 And dat's-a da trut'
 To shave-a da face or even a part
 Widout it-a smart require da heart
 It take-a da art, I show you a chart
 I study-a starting in my yout'
 To cut-a da hair, to trim-a da beard
 To make-a da bristle clean like a whistle
 Dis is from early infancy
 Da talent give to me by God
 It take-a da skill, it take-a da brains
 It take-a da will to take-a da pains
 It take-a da pace, it take-a da grace
 The winner is Todd
 Smooth as a baby's arse
 And now who's for a tooth pulling
 Free without charge
 Me, sir, me, sir, who else? No one?
 Then sir, since there is no means
 To test the second skill
 I claim the victory
 Wait, one moment, wait
 You, boy, get on that chair
 Me, signor? Oh, not a tooth, sir
 I beg of you, I ain't got a twinge
 Not the tiniest pain, I
 You do now
 We see who is zee victor now
 Ready? Ready, ready.
 To pull-a da toot' widout-a da skill
 Can damage da root
 Now hold-a da still an' if-a you slip
 You grip a bit, you hit da pit of it
 Or chip-a da tip and have-a to fill
 To pull-a da toot' widout-a da grace
 You leave-a da space all over da place
 You try to erase widout-a da trace
 Sometimes is da case you even-a kill
 To hold-a da clamp widout-a da cramp
 Wid all dat saliva, it could-a drive-a you crazy
 Don' mutter or back-a you go to da gutter
 My touch is as light as a butter-a cup
 I take-a da pains, I learn-a da art
 I use-a da brains, I give-a da heart
 I have-a da grace, I win-a da race
 I give-a da up.