Hoist up the Thing

Fresh out of college with grades straight from Hell
 I browsed for a trade at which I could excel
 An ad for a ship in need of some manning
 Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain
 What luck, says I, to find such good fortune
 A few white lies later, I ran down the pier
 Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two
 Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew
 Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
 What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
 Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!
 Trust me, I'm in control!
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 I can't sing the shanties, it has to be said
 And all of that grog just goes right to my head
 Whale meat is gross, and I miss a girl's laugh
 Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch!
 Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
 What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
 Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!
 Trust me, I'm in control!
 We've hit icy waters, no land to be seen
 The food's getting low, and the beer has gone green
 There's murmurs of discontent under the deck
 If I don't act fast, it could be my neck!
 So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines
 I see what it says,but no clue what it means!
 Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains
 Feign a bad back til' we've landed again
 Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
 What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
 Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!
 Trust me, I'm in control!
 Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
 What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
 Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!
 Trust me, I'm in control! Come on
 Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
 What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
 Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!
 Trust me, I'm in control!
 Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
 What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
 Turn hard to port! (This is jail?) Now I've got it!
 Trust me, I'm in control! (ahh, help me!)
 Trust me, I'm in control!