The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

Hey, folks! Begging your pardon
 'Scuse me, sorry to barge in
 Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole
 Y'know, "being dead" thing
 You're doomed, enjoy the singing
 The sword of Damocles is swinging
 And if I hear your cell-phone ringing
 I'll kill you myself
 The whole "being dead" thing
 Death can get a person stressed
 "We should have carpe'd way more diems
 Now we're never gonna see 'em"
 I can show you what comes next
 So don't be freaked
 Stay in your seats
 I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week
 So just relax, you'll be fine
 Drink your fifty-dollar wine
 And take a breath
 Welcome to a show about death
 You're
 You're gonna be fine
 On the other side
 Die! You're all gonna die!
 You're all gonna die!
 I'll, I'll be your guide
 To the other side
 Though in full disclosure
 It's a show about death
 Everybody gets on fine here
 Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
 The women's bathroom has no line here just
 Pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing
 You're just gonna love the folks here
 Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here
 And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here
 The whole, the whole "being" dead thing!
 Nobody is bullet-proof
 "I work out, I eat clean!"
 Jesus, pass the Dramamine
 Time to face the brutal truth (Dies Irae)
 'Cause we're all on a hit list
 Might not live 'till Christmas
 Choke to death on Triscuits
 Hey, that just statistics
 So take a little break here
 Kinda like a wake here
 The scenery is fake here
 But there's a giant snake here
 ♪
 Welcome to a show about death!
 You're, you're gonna be fine
 Thank you!
 On the other side
 How you doin'?
 Oh, not good!
 I'll, I'll be your guide
 
 To the other side
 Seriously, though, this is a show about
 Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new
 There's nothing medical professionals can do
 'Cept maybe just bill you
 If you die while listening to this album
 It's still gonna keep playing
 There's no destiny or fate
 Just a terrifying wait
 Filled with people that you hate
 And on a certain date, the universe kills you!
 That's the thing with life
 No one makes it out alive
 Toss that body in the pit
 "Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?"
 Blah, blah, "Bible Jesus" magic
 When you're dead, who gives a shit?
 "No pilates, no more yoga"
 "Namaste", you freakin' posers
 From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae)
 Death just needs a little conversation
 I have mastered the art (Dies Irae)
 Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae)
 So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae)
 On the whole "being dead" thing
 God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!