There! Right There!

There, right there!
 Look at that tan, well-tended skin
 Look at the killer shape he's in
 Look at that slightly stubbly chin
 Oh please, he's gay, totally gay!
 I'm not about to celebrate
 Every trait could indicate
 A totally straight expatriate
 This guy's not gay, I say not gay
 That is the elephant in the room
 Well, is it relevant to assume
 That a man who wears perfume
 Is automatically, radically fey?
 But look at his coiffed and crispy locks
 Look at his silk translucent socks
 There's the eternal paradox
 Look what we're seein'
 What are we seein'?
 Is he gay? (Of course he's gay!)
 Or European?
 Oh
 Gay or European?
 It's hard to guarantee
 Is he gay or European?
 Well, hey, don't look at me!
 You see, they bring their boys up different
 In those charming foreign ports
 They play peculiar sports
 In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
 Gay or foreign fella?
 The answer could take weeks
 They both say things like, "Ciao bella"
 While they kiss you on both cheeks (Oh, please)
 Gay or European?
 So many shades of gray
 Depending on the time of day
 The French go either way
 Is he gay or European, or—
 There, right there!
 Look at that condescending smirk
 Seen it on every guy at work
 That is a metro, hetero jerk
 That guy's not gay, I say no way!
 That is the elephant in the room
 Well, is it relevant to presume
 That a hottie in that costume
 Is automatically, radically
 Ironically, chronically
 Certainly, flirtingly
 Genetically, medically
 Gay, officially gay? Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay
 Damn it!
 Gay or European?
 So stylish and relaxed
 Is he gay or European?
 I think his chest is waxed
 But they bring their boys up different there
 It's culturally diverse
 It's not a fashion curse
 If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
 Gay or just exotic?
 I still can't crack the code
 Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
 But his shoes are pointy-toed (Huh)
 Gay or European?
 So many shades of gray
 But if he turns out straight
 I'm free at eight on Saturday
 Is he gay or European?
 Gay or European?
 Gay or Euro—
 Wait a minute
 Give me a chance to crack this guy
 I have an idea I'd like to try
 The floor is yours
 So, Mr. Argitakos
 This alleged affair with Mrs. Wyndham has been going on for?
 Two years
 And your first name again is?
 Nikos
 And your boyfriend's name is?
 Carlos
 I-I, sorry!
 I misunderstand!
 You say, "Boyfriend"
 And I thought you say, "Best friend"
 Carlos is my best friend
 You bastard!
 You lying bastard!
 That's it
 I no cover for you no more!
 Peoples
 I have a big announcement!
 This man is gay and European (woah!)
 And neither is disgrace (oh)
 You gotta stop your bein'
 A completely closet case (d'oh!)
 It's me, not her he's seein'
 No matter what he say
 I swear he never, ever, ever
 Swing the other way
 You are so gay, you big parfait
 You flaming one-man cabaret
 I'm straight!
 You were not yesterday
 So if I may, I'm proud to say
 He's gay (and European!)
 He's gay (and European!)
 He's gay (and European and gay!)
 Fine, okay, I'm gay!
 Hooray!