Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In the West)

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground
 And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
 And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest
 His name was Ernie
 And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
 Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
 She lived all alone in Linley Lane at number 22
 They said she was too good for him
 She was haughty, proud, and chic
 But Ernie got his cocoa there, three times every week
 They called him Ernie (Ernie)
 And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
 She said she'd like to bathe in milk
 He said, alright sweetheart
 And when he finished work one night, he loaded up the cart
 He said, "You wanted pasteurised 'cause pasteurised is best"
 She says Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest
 And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
 And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (ah-woo)
 Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man
 Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van
 He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
 And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies
 It very near turned her head
 She nearly swooned at his macaroon
 And he said now if you treat me right
 You'll have hot rolls every morning
 And crumpets every night
 He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
 He'd have his wicked way
 And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
 Poor Ernie (Ernie)
 And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (ah-woo)
 One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
 It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
 And as he leaped down from his van
 Hot blood through his veins did course
 And he went across to Ernie's cart
 And he didnarf kick his horse
 Whose name was Trigger (Trigger)
 And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west
 Now Ernie rushed out into the street
 His gold top in his hand
 He said if you want to marry Susie
 You'll fight for her like a man
 Oh, why don't we play cards for her?
 He sneeringly replied
 And just to make it interesting
 We'll have a shilling on the side
 Now Ernie dragged him from his van
 And beneath the blazing sun
 They stood there face to face
 And Ted went for his bun
 But Ernie was too quick
 Things didn't go the way Ted planned
 And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt
 Sent it spinning from his hand
 Now Sue, she ran between them
 And tried to keep them apart
 And Ernie pushed her aside
 And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
 And he looked up in pained surprise
 And the concrete hardened crust
 Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
 And Ernie bit the dust
 Poor Ernie (Ernie)
 And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
 Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die
 Now he's gone to make deliveries
 In that milk round in the sky
 Where the customers are angels
 And ferocious dogs are banned
 And a milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy dairy land
 But a woman's needs are manyfold
 And Sue she married Ted
 But strange things happened on their wedding night
 As they lay in their bed
 Was that the trees a rustling
 Or the hinges of the gate
 Or Ernie's ghostly gold top a rattling in their crate
 They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
 And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west