Monster in My Brother's Bedroom

2 AM, middle class suburban track, heavy eyelids, scratchy throat
 I smell burnt metal through the base of the door frame
 And hear muffled sounds through the walls of overly endorphin-ed misfortune
 Click, clank, two spoons, why must I wake from a nightmare and arrive to another?
 Lock door, head under covers, Momma, there's a monster living in my brothers bedroom
 We didn't see him at first, but he was always there
 needing only to be fed once to rise from sleep
 My pop-pop told me about it, remember?
 Warning, a family tree with a half glass of whiskey or a pocketful of crazy
 So pick your poison, sweetheart, he said, it will either be your mind or your body
 Momma, theres a monster living in my brothers bedroom and I think he's here to stay
 And what are we suppose to say when it looks so much like him?
 He has us fooled every time before the eyes sockets sink in
 And the fingernails blacken from giving Into temptation
 But our eyes stay distracted by our hope, but my sight is readjusting
 I'm tired of locking the door and hitting my knees to the floor to pray for a day
 That quite frankly, is never gonna happen
 I'm tired of convincing you that the monster has moved in and that he's sick again
 But a stubborn gaze can never fall upon something it refuses to see, Momma
 Your protection ceased somewhere along the way
 You've saved lives your entire career, but why can't you save the one
 You would give up your own for?
 And in fifteen years, you never once turned the lock on the door
 From the safety of this block
 Yet the crime was already living inside
 Irony, I'm a writer Momma, I know it when I see it
 Momma, please, hear me
 There is a monster living in my brothers bedroom, the smiling face in the gold frames
 Is not the same soul staring back at you
 Countless years of court trials, accusations of rape, domestic abuse
 Overdoses, hospitalizations
 Those things sure don't sure like him to anyone that knows him
 But holding a gun to a man's head for the twelve dollars in his pocket didn't either
 But Lord knows we tried to make the best of it
 I remember the stories my pop-pop told us about our great-great grandfather back home
 In Ireland who never came back from war
 Last seen with a bottle in his hands, pressed to his lips, walking away
 Maybe he's there, maybe his soul is somewhere with him because
 Lord knows he is not in this house any longer
 Momma, don't you remember?
 This place was once, so, good
 Filled with character and unconventionality
 While the Best of Elvis' Christmas Hits crackled low in the background along
 To warm conversation
 But now our 1990's stereo lay untouched in the closet under rehabilitation catalogs
 His basketball?
 It sits in the corner of the garage, collecting dust
 And I couldn't tell you his name, but when the devil came, he stayed
 And I have seen him take a soul faster than he could say 'I think, I think may need help'
 Faster than you could say full ride scholarship
 Faster than you could speak any synonym
 For the way the light has left his sea glass green eyes
 That once sparkled when he made us all laugh
 Let me know what you find because I, I still have no words for that
 Tell me, have you ever seen a man die five times over?
 Ten times over?
 Thirty seven times over?
 I have
 Each failed attempt to get sober another hundred reasons to live inside the memories
 Because didn't you know?
 Didn't you know that even monsters count their casualties?
 I am sorry for the honesty
 But I have carried the broken hearts and body parts of my entire family
 The famous sparkle in the eyes of my people has all but dimmed out
 And a woman caught me crying in the bathroom at work and said honey
 You have such a pretty Face, what else could you possible have to worry about?
 And I know she meant it as a compliment, but it didn't feel like one because she said it As if Appearance were truth
 As if the way I line my lips determines how much safety I'm able to speak of
 As if the roses on the outside of a house make up for the carpets being blood-stained
 And the doors being ripped off their frames
 So tell me, what do you do when a home crumbles but the house still stands?
 And these past nine years I have come to the conclusion that home is a pair of hands
 Home is a heartbeat, home is alive
 And what truly makes a home is not the color, size or price tag of the four walls
 That surround you
 But rather the company you keep within them
 And Momma, how alive can I ever truly be
 if I'm loving a room full of ghosts and calling them Family?
 So I guess that means I am leaving, and I'll make my own
 I'll fill the missing pieces of my soul back up with people
 Who actually want to learn and grow
 So I will take my sister with me when I go
 There are still so many lessons of this life that
 I cannot yet claim to know, but of this I am certain
 I ate my cereal with a fork for the last time this morning
 Went looking for a hairbrush and found a syringe for the final time this afternoon
 And I will be damned if I lock my bedroom door again from the inside this evening
 Because I cannot physically, mentally or emotionally withstand
 Another day of walking outside in the morning wearing his NA chips as earrings
 They all hurry to lock their doors, shuffle their kids into the car
 Its like they see right through me
 And I am labeled a child of grief before I even take a sip of my fucking coffee
 And I will live like this No longer
 And I know that I am strong enough to do this life alone
 If I have to because I am my mothers daughter
 I was born with freckles on my face and fire in my blood
 And when was the last time you've seen
 Fire feel ashamed of the suburb fireplace in which her
 Embers were sparked from?
 All they will see is how brightly she shines
 When she burns this whole damn place to the ground
 And on my worst days, when the pictures of my family that cover every inch of wall Space in my Apartment appear more headstone than memory
 I'll steady my shaking hands, look myself in the mirror
 And say to the reflection staring back at me
 Be gentle with yourself girl, for this life, it didn't come with instructions
 But it does come with Poetry
 Momma, there was a monster living in my brothers bedroom, but
 My address has changed now
 My address has changed now
 And I'll help you repaint