Asshole

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
 About me, about you
 About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
 About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
 Maybe below the cockles
 Maybe in the sub cockle area
 Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys
 Maybe even in the colon, we don't know
 I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
 I'm your average white, suburbanite slob
 I like football and porno and books about war
 I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
 My wife and my job, my kids and my car
 My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar
 But sometimes, that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
 (Oh, no, no way, uh-uh)
 No, I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
 (Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
 I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
 While people behind me are going insane
 I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
 I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
 I use public toilets, and I piss on the seat
 I walk around in the Summer time, saying, "How about this heat?"
 I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
 I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
 Sometimes, I park in handicapped spaces
 While handicapped people make handicapped faces
 I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
 I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)
 Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
 Ranting and raving and carrying on
 Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
 Nah
 I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
 I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
 You know what I'm gonna do?
 I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
 Hot pink with whale skin hubcaps
 And all leather cow interior
 And big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (Yeah)
 And I'm gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
 Gettin' one mile per gallon
 Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's
 In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
 And when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers
 I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
 And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
 And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
 You know why? Because we've got the bomb, that's why
 Two words: nuclear fucking weapons, okay?
 Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
 They can have a big democracy cakewalk
 Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
 And it won't make a lick of difference
 Because we've got the bombs, okay?
 John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen
 And as soon as we find a cure for cancer
 We're gonna thaw out the Duke, and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
 You know why?
 Have you ever taken a cold shower?
 Well, multiply that by fifteen million times
 That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be
 I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes
 And Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey
 And drive down to Texas and
 (Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
 Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
 I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
 I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
 A-S-S-H-O-L-E
 Everybody
 A-S-S-H-O-L-E
 ♪
 I'm an asshole, and I'm proud of it