September Song

Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh
 Festival medley, festival medley
 JEFF and SUSAN
 Lots of thigns are happening
 At the festival in September
 Lots of people are coming
 To watch us do our stuff
 HEIDI and HUNTER
 Our pants are what we're crapping
 At the festival in September
 We're nervous as holy hell
 ALL
 And did we do enough
 To get someone
 With money
 SUSAN
 To like us?
 JEFF
 Trust us?
 HUNTER
 Back us?
 HEIDI
 Love us?
 SUSAN
 (spoken)
 Happy opening, y'all. Hey, naked.
 HUNTER
 Stop. I'm waiting until the last minute to put on my shirt because
 I get sweaty under my left pit when I'm nervous.
 SUSAN
 That is specific.
 HEIDI
 You should go onstage like that.
 HUNTER
 I would never go onstage without my shirt. We should have Jeffy take his shirt off.
 JEFF
 I'm not taking my shirt off.
 HUNTER
 Yeah, take your shirt off and we'll start the scene over.
 Heidi, you take your top off too.
 HEIDI
 Hunter, I'm not going to take off my top.
 HUNTER
 Both of you, take off your fucking shirts so we can sell some tickets to the show!
 SUSAN
 Yeah!
 HUNTER
 That's hot.
 SUSAN
 Now y'all, kiss. Serious y'all, kiss.
 JEFF
 Okay, that's ridiculous. I'm not gonna kiss her.
 SUSAN
 I'll kiss her.
 HUNTER
 Oh my god, this show has everything! Half naked guys and girl on girl action!
 SUSAN and HEIDI
 (sung)
 Festival medley
 JEFF and HUNTER
 Vegetable medley
 HUNTER and JEFF
 TV actors in out show
 What could be sweeter
 We could get that woman who was one "Empty Nest"...
 HEIDI
 (spoken)
 Hey Swasson... are you okay?
 SUSAN
 No, Heidi, I'm bummed we only have four more of these.
 I like doing the show. It balances out my day job which is killing me softly.
 I wrote this song sitting at my desk today... I'd like to sing it... for you now...
 (sung)
 Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
 Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
 If you shined a flashlight in my butt you'd see
 I'm dying inside
 HUNTER and JEFF
 (simultaneously)
 Are we writing for
 Are we writing for
 Are we writing for,
 Are we writing for
 SUSAN and HEIDI
 Inside!
 HUNTER and HEIDI
 Festival medley
 SUSAN and JEFF
 Festival medley
 HUNTER and HEIDI
 Festival medley
 SUSAN and JEFF
 Festival medley...
 HUNTER
 (spoken)
 Has your mom come to every show?
 JEFF
 Every one.
 HUNTER
 My mom is here tonight.
 JEFF
 Oh my god, that's right.
 HUNTER
 I'm nervous. All that stuff about porn and fuck this and fuck that, and masturbating...
 JEFF
 Oh please, like your mom has never masturbated.
 HUNTER
 Oh my god.
 HUNTER and HEIDI
 (sung)
 Festival medley
 SUSAN and JEFF
 Festival medley
 HUNTER and HEIDI
 Festival medley
 ALL
 Thirty-one
 JEFF and HEIDI
 Musicals in a scuffle
 At the festival in September
 All competing for ticket sales
 And coverage in the press
 SUSAN and HUNTER
 (simultaneously)
 Ahh.
 SUSAN and HUNTER
 We don't wanna get
 Lost in the shuffle
 At the festival in September
 But we're gonna get lost in the shuffle
 JEFF and HEIDI
 (simultaeously)
 Ahh.
 ALL
 That is unless.
 HEIDI and JEFF
 There is someone
 HUNTER and SUSAN
 Someone
 ALL
 With notoriety
 SUSAN
 To like us
 JEFF
 Trust us
 HUNTER
 Need us
 ALL
 Love us!
 HUNTER
 (spoken) Hello?
 JEFF
 Hey, we got a bad review.
 HUNTER
 I thought we agreed not to read reviews. What did it say?
 JEFF
 Well, it was like "the script is a sign of bad things to come" and "the songs were forgettable"...
 HUNTER
 You can't believe reviews. Wait, I'm getting another call.
 JEFF
 Don't go away, I'm needy!
 HUNTER
 Hello?
 HEIDI
 Hunter, did you see it?
 HUNTER
 See what?
 HEIDI
 Hunter, page 2, Friday Times, Weekend section. They loved us!
 HUNTER
 What? Oh my god! Hey, Jeff's on the other line. Hang on.
 HEIDI
 Okay.
 HUNTER
 Jeff, we got a good review in The New York Times.
 JEFF
 What?
 HUNTER
 Yeah! Page two, weekend section! This is so awesome!
 JEFF
 Wait a second, I thought you said not to read or believe that stuff.
 HUNTER
 That was some bullshit I pulled out of my ass to make us feel better.
 Hey, let's conference in the girls. Heidi?
 HEIDI
 Hunter?
 JEFF
 Heidi?
 HEIDI
 Jeffery?
 HUNTER
 Susan?
 SUSAN
 Hunter?
 JEFF
 Susan?
 SUSAN
 Jeffy?
 HEIDI
 Susan?
 SUSAN
 Heidi?
 ALL
 Yay! Party line!
 HUNTER
 Hey, Susan, we got a good review in The New York Times!
 SUSAN
 Awesome! The Gray Lady, baby.
 HUNTER
 Jeff, what was that bad review in anyway?
 JEFF
 Broadway.com
 HUNTET
 Broadway.com? Broadway.com can kneel down, open its online mouth and suck my
 SUSAN, JEFF, and HEIDI
 (sung)
 Festival Medley
 HUNTER
 (spoken)
 ...it can suck my fucking cock!
 ALL
 (sung)
 Festival medley
 Lots of things are
 Happening at the festival,
 Everywhere you turn
 There's a fuss!
 There's mayhem abounding
 At the festival in September
 Lots of things are happening
 They're happening...
 There's no stopping the momentum
 Of the festival in September
 Who knows what
 Will all come from
 The festival in September
 Aaaah,
 It's the final show
 Aaaah,
 At the festival
 Aaaah,
 Said it's the final show
 Aaaah,
 At the festival
 ALL
 (spoken)
 That was amazing! Woo-hoo! Etc...
 HUNTER
 You guys, we had fancy producer and industry people here tonight.
 HEIDI
 Oh my gosh, well get out there and go schmooze with them!
 JEFF
 Wish us luck!
 HEIDI and SUSAN
 Ahh! Sluck, sluck, sluck!
 Good luck! Good luck!