Overture / Twenty Million People

My name is Benjy Stone and 1954 was my favorite year
 Not my best year, not the year I had the most success but my favorite year
 It's the year that separated my life into before and after
 You see, in 1954 I made the jump from smartass kid
 from the deli pushing a joke with every cruller to Freshman Writer on TV's hottest show
 The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade and every Saturday night at 8 p.m. we went on the air live!
 Five minutes!
 God, once, just once I wanted to sneak in and diddle the clocks
 so we'd go on the air five minutes early so America would see the show before the show
 But back then, they were a lot more careful about violence on television
 Aaah!
 I'm missing a button
 This is crap!
 Who's missing the last two pages?
 They told me the caveman sketch was out
 Would somebody shoot me!
 Total crap!
 Who ordered the black new sugar?
 Together now, 5, 6, 7, 8!
 Five minutes to go
 From
 Twenty million people
 No, twenty million plus
 Twenty million plus Americans watching us
 Curling up on sofas
 Calling in their pets
 Passing out the popcorn
 Turning on their television sets
 Twenty million ordinary folks
 And your careers go down the drain if they don't like the jokes
 Ninety little minutes to get by
 In front of twenty million people
 Tonight!
 That's King Kaiser, star of Comedy Cavalcade
 A great guy
 This is Crap!
 Honest
 And these are my fellow writers
 Sy Benson, Headwriter, also known as the ulcer who walks like a man
 And here's Alice Miller and Herb Lee, two people joined at the funny bone
 Sy, these jokes are old enough to vote
 You gotta make some cuts
 No cuts!
 Nobody touches my material!
 Nobody!
 Sy, you cut those dogs out of the monologue yet?
 Dead and gone, King Baby!
 Twenty million reasons
 We're guaranteed to bomb
 Twenty million small catastrophes
 But we're calm
 Facing every challenge
 Performing at our peak
 Ninety little minutes up the creek
 In front of twenty million people
 K.C. Downing, assistant to the producer
 She's nuts about me
 K.C., we all set for out regular date after the show?
 Regular date, we don't have a regular date
 We had one date, at which you completely humiliated me
 I thought you liked my walrus impression
 I was planning to eat those breadsticks!
 I am love with the bread girl
 It felt like paradise
 It felt like war
 It felt like
 It felt like 1954
 It was the best time I'd ever known
 My first jokes were on the air
 My first credits shining there
 Benjy Stone
 Benjy Stone
 Benjy!
 Stop!
 The telephone
 Hello
 Benjamin Darling, this is your mother
 Mom, it's almost show time
 I'm calling only to remind you're coming here for dinner tomorrow night
 Yeah, I know
 You bringing cake?
 Oh, mom I'm kinda busy now
 Cause if you are I'll tell Rookie that he shouldn't stop at
 Coverment's when he picks up the newspaper in the morning
 I'll bring cake, okay
 Fruit or Crumb
 Whatever you want
 Benjamin Darling, I want whatever you want
 Crumb
 Fruit would be better
 Fruit
 Oi-oi-oi! The show is coming on
 I can't talk right now
 Kisses Benjamin,
 Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
 Mwah, mwah, mwah!
 It's Saturday night
 I need a new zipper!
 This is Crap!
 Who's missing the last two pages?!
 Oh my God!!
 They told me they cut King Tut last night
 Oh my God!!
 Would somebody shoot me here and now!
 If only we had another week
 Together now, 5, 6, 7, 8!
 One minute to go!
 God, what a show!
 Twenty million people
 Expecting something great
 Twenty million?
 Places everyone!
 It's too late!
 Let the costumes fit God
 Please keep me on the staff
 Make the show a hit God
 Most of all, God, let the people laugh
 Twenty awful seconds to prepare
 You hold your breath
 You pray for death
 And then you're on the air!
 Ninety little minutes to survive
 In front of twenty million people
 5, 4, 3, 2...
 Welcome to The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade
 Live!