This Party Took a Turn for the Douche

We roll into the bar 'cause that's how we do*
 Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
 Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go, she
 Hits up the juke box and puts on Jim Croce
 Operator, can you help me make this call?
 We're laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
 And I'm liking the direction this night is going
 But then I look up and something has changed
 Everyone around us looks fucking deranged
 I look to my left, I look to my right
 Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
 With supertight abs and supertan skin
 I swear this ain't the club that I walked in
 Then the techno music starts to play
 And the room smells like Axe body spray
 I'm like Golda Mier with no gold in my ear
 Please tell me what the hell happened here
 Yo, it ain't pretty but you know it's the truth
 This party just took a turn for the douche
 For the douche, for the douche
 For the motherfuckin' douche
 Thought it was a perfect party
 Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
 This party just took a turn for the douche
 I guess I can't beat em so I'm gonna join 'em
 Need some douche phrases and I'm gonna coin 'em
 Put my Bluetooth in and I'm on my way
 Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today
 Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree
 Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
 Get a Chinese tat, don't know what it means
 But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens
 Don't need sleeves on my shirt, just rip 'em off
 And leave 'em exposed like Bernie Madoff
 Fake tan so brown you can call me foxy
 Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy
 Got more chains than Mr. T
 Ad I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
 'Cause I'm doin roids 'til my balls get teeny
 Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace up inside the weenie
 Gettin crunk on brewskis with my broskis
 I'm cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
 Sweeter than the life of Zach and Cody
 Higher than the voice of Truman Capote
 Yeah, I'll drop a G for that bottle of Goose
 This party just took a turn for the douche
 For the douche, for the douche
 For the motherfuckin' douche
 Thought it was a perfect party
 Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
 This party just took a turn for the douche
 We're an army in the night like Norman Mailer
 And it's time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
 I'm a VIP 'cause my table said so
 I'ma use some roofies 'cause the skank said no
 I like my hair like I like my girl's drink
 Spiked as fuck
 Did my last keg stand like General Custer
 And I'm assessing the damage like a claims adjuster
 I ain't your Daddy but I'll call you son
 Yeah, I get metaphysical like fucking John Donne
 I'm holding up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
 Girls are on the dance floor shakin' their cobbler
 I'm cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum
 I'm gonna find the biggest ho in this room
 Girl's wax is Brazilian, her manicure's French
 Jean Nate is her signature stench
 She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
 Her garden's more savage than ch-ch-cherry colas
 Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
 Hope she's birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
 Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her Beaver
 Take her gold for cash then motherfuckin' leave her
 I ain't in love with you, cousin, I ain't George Michael Bluth
 This party just took a turn for the douche
 For the douche, for the douche
 For the motherfuckin' douche
 Thought it was a perfect party
 Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
 This party just took a turn for the douche (x2)