I, Pallbearer

The view outside my window changed a lot since I was a child
 Like all the years we buried, vanishing forever
 'Cause also grief is just love with no place to go
 Like all the years we buried, this place is death
 
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 There is a thing you should know about me
 I am and have always been this deeply sad man
 So I am both laughing and crying at the same time
 And still trying to discover how that could be
 I'm pretty sure growing old will kill me
 Slowly but steadily, in two different ways
 As I'm still the one with the saddest smile
 I hate being bipolar
 It's fucking awesome
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 The firstborn died by his own hands
 My oldest friend found a rope that bore
 And I know I'll definitely also not die
 By staring out in the pouring rain
 By staring out in the pouring rain
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 Nobody ever tells you that emptiness weighs most
 When there's a void inside that can't be filled
 'Cause it's not a single stab wound that kills me
 It's a 1000 paper cuts on every single day
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 The heart dies a slow death
 And all our dreams dash fast
 But I wonder if you changed your minds
 The moment you knew you'd die
 And I'm totally aware that my pain
 Is nothing when compared to yours
 But cleaning out your apartment
 Was way harder than your funeral
 One more psychosis then I am also finally done
 'Cause the more I sleep, the less I dream
 And then at night I drink and clean my gun
 It's me who should be dead, not you