Master Of The House

Welcome, Monsieur
 Sit yourself down
 And meet the best innkeeper in town
 As for the rest, all of them crooks
 Rooking the guests and cooking the books
 Seldom do you see
 Honest men like me
 A gent of good intent
 Who's content to be
 Master of the house, doling out the charm
 Ready with a handshake and an open palm
 Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
 Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
 Glad to do a friend a favor
 Doesn't cost me to be nice
 But nothing gets you nothing
 Everything has got a little price!
 Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
 Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
 Watering the wine, making up the weight
 Picking up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
 Everybody loves a landlord
 Everybody's bosom friend
 I do whatever pleases
 Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
 Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
 Never wants a passerby to pass him by
 Servant to the poor, butler to the great
 Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
 Everybody's boon companion
 Everybody's chaperone
 But lock up your valises
 Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
 Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
 Unlace your boots, rest from the road
 This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
 But here we strive to lighten your purse
 Here the goose is cooked
 Here the fat is fried
 And nothing's overlooked
 Till I'm satisfied
 Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
 Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
 Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
 Filling up the sausages with this and that
 Residents are more than welcome
 Bridal suite is occupied
 Reasonable charges
 Plus some little extras on the side!
 Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
 Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
 Here a little slice, there a little cut
 Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
 When it comes to fixing prices
 There are a lot of tricks he knows
 How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
 Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
 Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
 Never wants a passerby to pass him by
 Servant to the poor, butler to the great
 Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
 Everybody's boon companion
 Gives 'em everything he's got
 Dirty bunch of geezers
 Jesus! What a sorry little lot!
 I used to dream that I would meet a prince
 But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
 Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
 'Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
 Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
 Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
 What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
 God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
 Master of the house!
 Master and a half!
 Comforter, philosopher
 Ah, don't make me laugh!
 Servant to the poor, butler to the great
 Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
 Everybody bless the landlord!
 Everybody bless his spouse!
 Everybody raise a glass
 Raise it up the master's ass!
 Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!