Working Out

I'm wearing all black tonight
 'Cause, uh, that's easier than working out, right?
 By the way, these aren't skinny jeans
 I'm just fat
 Black, the magic of black
 Wouldn't it be great if there was something that made people look in shape
 Besides alcohol?
 But that's what black is, it's the beer goggles of color
 It's like, "You look great, have you lost weight?"
 "Uh, I'm homeless and wearing a garbage bag"
 Well, you look thin
 You know what color I look really out of shape in, is a flesh color
 It is brutal on me
 My birthday suit needs more suit
 But it's my fault, you know, I don't like to exercise, you know
 I don't think a lot of us do
 That's why there are personal trainers
 You know, the person you pay to make you work out
 At the place where you already pay to work out
 Doesn't sound like a pyramid scheme to me at all
 "You can also throw money right in the garbage
 For a small fee"
 I don't have a personal trainer
 Really? That's a shock
 You do that all yourself?
 One time I joined a health club and I got a free personal trainer session
 The guy's like, "Hey, why don't you tell me what your workout goals are?"
 "Uh, to not work out"
 Goals? I'm just here so I won't eat for an hour
 Can we drop this charade? Why is your shirt so tight?
 Is that part of the interview process?
 "What are you, a medium? Here's an extra small"
 "Now head out there and be condescending"
 I feel sorry for the personal trainers that are out of shape
 What's their approach?
 "You should work out, I don't"
 "You don't want to end up looking like me"
 "My favorite machine's the vending machine"
 "Hey, you want to go halfsies on a Snickers?"
 "Those things are awesome"
 I probably need a personal trainer
 You know, I didn't work out today
 That makes she's three decades
 Occasionally, I will work out
 And I'm one of those people, whenever I do work out, I immediately have grand plans
 You know, "I'm going to work out every day"
 Then the next day I'm like, "Well, not every day"
 "I got to let my muscles breathe a little
 I'll work out every other day"
 Then the next day, I'm like, "I'm happy with the way I look
 I don't want to get caught up in that beauty culture"
 It's hard
 It's hard to get motivated
 It's hard to get to the gym
 I actually live across the street from my health club
 It's across the street
 It's open 24 hours a day
 Still can't get there
 I knew I wasn't going to go
 Even when I joined during that initial tour, they're like, "Here's where you can do sit-ups"
 "Never going to happen"
 "We have free weights"
 "Too hard"
 "We offer hot yoga"
 "I'd watch"
 I just tell myself I'm going to do that
 Go in there and watch a hot yoga class
 Bring a bag of potato chips
 Not even in workout clothes
 Dressed as Spider-Man
 "Excuse me, sir"
 "I'm auditing!"
 "I might take this next semester, if I'm not too busy fighting crime"
 It's hard to get motivated
 You ever go to the gym and not work out?
 You just kind of wander around, you're like
 "Should I do the elliptical or the-
 I gotta go"
 Sure, I burned some calories putting this outfit on
 Even when I am working out at the gym, I'm really just watching television
 "I'm on the elliptical food network
 I'm gonna eat that"
 I'm pretending to hike up a mountain while I watch someone make a lasagna
 That's like going to an AA meeting in a brewery
 "Hi, I'm Jim, is that a keg over there?"
 It's discouraging when you see how few calories you burned, right?
 You're like, "50 calories?
 What's that, like smelling a Big Mac?
 Well, back to Iron Shaft"
 Thank God for those televisions
 You ever catch yourself watching someone else's television? You're like
 You're not even on a piece of exercise equipment
 "Uh, Are you waiting for this machine?"
 "I'm just waiting for this show to end
 They're making brownies"
 "Can I grab a swig from your water bottle?
 Brownies make me mad thirsty"
 It's hard
 I don't understand it
 You know, here's something fun to do next time you have to wait for a treadmill
 Just start jogging in place behind someone using one
 Can I pass?
 To the left, to the left
 Everything you own in a box to the left
 You just don't know about me
 I don't understand the appeal of a lot of the exercise equipment
 You know, like the StairMaster? How'd they ever sell one of those?
 "Hey, you know, people love walking upstairs"
 I'm pretty sure people hate walking upstairs
 "Well, hear me out
 These stairs are different
 They never end"
 "You never reach the next floor"
 Well, what's appealing about that?
 "Eventually you die
 Then you don't gotta walk upstairs no more"
 "Hey, can I also interest you in a bike that goes nowhere?"
 "Why would you do this stuff for free when you can come in here and pay me to pretend to do it?"
 "It's so simple"
 I always feel like I go to the gym at the wrong time
 You know, it's like packed
 The only machine available is that one that simulates the gynecological exam
 You know, the Sharon Stone machine, right?
 Never see a guy on that, do you?
 Occasionally there'll be a woman on there refusing to make eye contact with anyone
 It was like, huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh
 'Cause there is no appropriate facial expression for this machine
 You can't be like, "Yeah! Woo! That burns!"
 You also can't act like it's too easy, huh? "This is nothing, I got the strongest crotch in the room"
 "Not even feeling it, fellas"
 Whenever there is a woman on that machine, there's always a creepy guy stretching nearby, just like
 "Hey, what's going on?
 Is today Friday or Saturday? I've been making so much money, I can't keep track"
 There should be no talking to strangers at the gym
 I'm always baffled when I'm working out and someone tries to talk to me
 It's like, what's the logic? He's sweating, he's breathing hard, he's got headphones on
 Seems like he wants to chat
 "What are you listening to?"
 "Oh, me? Instructions on how to kill you"
 And some of the noises people make, like
 Uh, do you mind? I'm trying to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter here
 Why are you sweating? It's air-conditioned in here
 You're the reason we have to wipe off these machines
 Of course, the most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym
 I'm always like, "What are you doing here? You're done"
 "What are you, rubbing it in?"
 Luckily, there's always one or two people at the gym you look at and you're like, "Don't bother"
 "You're wasting your time"
 Then you realize it's just your reflection in the mirror
 "Stay out"
 I don't get the mirrors, you know?
 I don't want to see myself working out
 I know what I look like, that's why I'm going to the gym
 Obviously, there's some people that do want that, right?
 They're like, "If I'm going to be working out, I want to look at something like myself"
 "I want to look at myself while I work on myself"
 "I should do a recording so I can listen to myself while I look at myself while I work on myself"
 "As I leaf through myself magazine"
 "Read how myself can improve myself"
 "Maybe I'll go to my Facebook page and look at photos of myself"
 "Read what myself has written about myself"
 "Yo soy muy importante"
 "Myself"
 Some health clubs have the exercise equipment facing windows
 So in cities like New York and DC
 You can be jogging on a treadmill as you gaze into the eyes of a homeless man
 "I'm coming
 He knows a good homeless man"