I Don't Know What Christmas Is (But Christmastime Is Here)

Out on the third planet closest to the sun
 There's a special celebration and it sounds quite fun
 A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
 On a holiday they call Christmas
 Now, I'm not gonna lie, it makes no sense to me
 But here's what earthlings told me about this Christmas mystery
 One, two, three, four
 Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers
 He flies to every human home in under 14 hours
 He's a master burglar, a pro at picking locks
 If you don't leave milk and cookies out
 He will put dung in your socks
 If you act nice, sleep through the night
 And don't jump on your bed
 Santa comes with sugarplums, and hurls them at your head
 But if you're on his naughty list, he shoots missiles at your toes
 He might just roast your chestnuts with his powerful flamethrower
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 Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein
 Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer
 I don't know what Christmas is
 But Christmastime is here
 He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish
 One sought to be a dentist, now he's sleeping with the fish
 Mrs. Clause, she works the pole, plans her man's demise
 Soon the elves will all rise up, and stab out Santa's eyes
 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
 Earthlings are so weird
 I don't know what Christmas is
 But Christmastime is here
 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
 Earthlings are so weird
 I don't know what Christmas is
 But Christmastime is here
 What the heck's a turtledove?
 And who lit up that deer?
 I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmastime is here
 I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmastime is here
 Or maybe it's there?
 Or it's somewhere?
 I don't know, I don't know