Gaston

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
 Looking so down in the dumps
 Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston!
 Even when taking your lumps
 There's no man in town as admired as you
 You're everyone's favourite guy!
 Everyone's awed and inspired by you
 And it's not very hard to see why
 No one's slick as Gaston
 No one's quick as Gaston
 No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston
 For there's no man in town half as manly
 Perfect, a pure paragon!
 You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
 An they'll tell you whose team they'd prefer to be on
 Who plays darts like Gaston?
 Who breaks hearts like Gaston?
 Who's much more than a sum of his parts like Gaston?
 As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
 My, what a guy, that Gaston!
 I needed encouragement, thank you, Leefou
 Well, there's no one as easy to bolster as you!
 Too much?
 ...Yep
 No one fights like Gaston
 Douses lights like Gaston
 In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston
 When I hunt, I sneak up with my quiver
 And beasts of the field say a prayer
 First I carefully aim for the liver
 Then I shoot from behind
 Is that fair?
 I don't care
 No one hits like Gaston
 Matches wits like Gaston
 In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston
 I'm specially good at expectorating
 Ten points for Gaston!
 When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
 Every morning to help me get large
 And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
 So I'm roughly the size of a bull!
 Who has brains (like Gaston)?
 Entertains (like Gaston)?
 Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?
 I use antlers in all of my decorating
 Say it again!
 Who's a man among men?
 Who's the super success?
 Don't you know? Can't you guess?
 Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
 There's just one guy in town
 Who's got all of it down!
 And his name's G-A-S... T...
 I believe there's another T...
 It just occurred to me that I'm illiterate
 And I've never actually had to spell it out loud before...
 GASTON!