My Father

My father died in the '80s,
 but in the '40s he was quite famous.
 He played in the Negro Leagues.
 He was the first white man to play in the Negro Leagues.
 I think originally he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers,
 but then they traded him to the Kansas City Monarchs
 in exchange for Jackie Robinson or something like that,
 I don't know. My father was a modest man,
 and he didn't like to brag about his accomplishments.
 And they were very great accomplishments.
 For example, in 1965, he came to this country with
 just a few dollars and started the Hare Krishna religion.
 I still have a picture of him hanging out in Tompkins,
 showing the hippies how to chant and be happy.
 Also, my father was the first,
 and so far only, man to be born with Fallopian tubes.
 He had his nipple pierced,
 and his testicles, and his clitoris â?? he was really cool. He used to work for American
 Standard, the toilet people,
 and he did some mail drops for the CIA.
 He always used to say to me,
 "Son, Lyndon Johnson has always been made out of clothespins,
 but Eisenhower was a cantaloupe and only now is he
 Episcopalian. Nothing short of sausages and funnels
 for as long as you both shall live.
 " He never explained this to me entirely. He never had to.
 Speaking of testicles and clitori,
 about five years after he died,
 my father wrote a play, and the main characters were
 named Testicles and Clitorus.
 Here is a brief excerpt:
 (spoken, with Bradford as Clitorus and Sasha as Testicles)
 Clitorus: Hey Testicles, how's it hangin'?
 Testicles: Dude.
 Clitorus: Dude.
 Testicles: Dude, baby boomers suck.
 'Cause they're old, and they don't give a fuck about
 AIDS research, 'cause they're all old and they don't
 have it, and they don't give a fuck if we all die.
 Clitorus: Yeah, but dude, like,
 at least they support free cheese enemas for the poor.
 Testicles: So dude, when are you gonna introduce me
 to Ella Fitzgerald's underwear and Jerry van Dyke's pancreatic fluids?
 Clitorus: Well, dude, when are you gonna bake me that
 delicious blueberry fetus pie you've been promising me?
 (spoken, by John)
 Anyway â?? it went on from there.
 It was never produced, but Desi Arnaz bought the film
 rights for Paramount, and I put my share of the inheritance
 into mutual funds, which I parlayed into a sizable
 fortune, which I then spent on Q-tips and hydrogen
 peroxide for the Church of Hal,
 because I could never really get into my father's religion,
 dressing up in orange and jumping up and down and chanting
 all the time â?? "Govinda jaya jaya.
 Gopala jaya jaya. Radharamanahari.
 Govinda jaya jaya." But my father was a really great
 man. I'll never forget the last thing he ever said
 to me. Nor will I ever repeat it.