Balance

One
 Testimony in trials that never got heard
 My lovers teeth are white geese flying above me
 My lovers muscles are rope ladders under my hands
 We were driving home slow
 My lover and I, across the long Bay Bridge,
 One February midnight, when midway
 Over in the far left lane, I saw a strange scene:
 One small young man standing by the rail,
 And in the lane itself, parked straight across
 As if it could stop anything, a large young
 Man upon a stalled motorcycle, perfectly
 Relaxed as if he'd stopped at a hamburger stand;
 He was wearing a peacoat and levis, and
 He had his head back, roaring, you
 Could almost hear the laugh, it
 Was so real.
 "Look at that fool," I said, "in the
 Middle of the bridge like that," a very
 Womanly remark.
 Then we heard the meaning of the noise
 Of metal on a concrete bridge at 50
 Miles an hour, and the far left lane
 Filled up with a big car that had a
 Motorcycle jammed on its front bumper, like
 The whole thing would explode; the friction
 Sparks shot up bright orange for many feet
 Into the air, and the racket still sets
 My teeth on edge.
 When the car stopped we stopped parallel
 And Wendy headed for the callbox while I
 Ducked across those 6 lanes like a mouse
 In the bowling alley. "Are you hurt?" I said,
 The middle-aged driver had the greyest black face,
 "I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop, what happened?"
 Then I remembered. "Somebody, " I said, "was on
 The motorcycle." I ran back,
 One block? two blocks? The space for walking
 On the bridge is maybe 18 inches, whoever
 Engineered this arrogance. in the dark
 Stiff wind it seemed I would
 Be pushed over the rail, would fall down
 Screaming onto the hard surface of
 The bay, but I did not, I found the tall young man
 Who thought he owned the bridge, now lying on
 His stomach, head cradled in his broken arm.
 He had glasses on, but somewhere he had lost
 Most of his levis, where were they?
 And his shoes. Two short cuts on his buttocks,
 That was the only mark except his thin white
 Seminal tubes were all strung out behind; no
 Child left in him; and he looked asleep.
 I plucked wildly at his wrist, then put it
 Down; there were two long haired women
 Holding back the traffic just behind me
 With their bare hand, the machines came
 Down like mad bulls, I was scared, much
 More than usual, I felt easily squished
 Like the earthworms crawling on a busy
 Sidewalk after the rain; I wanted to
 Leave. And met the driver, walking back.
 "The guy is dead." I gripped his hand,
 The wind was going to blow us off the bridge.
 "Oh my God" he said, "haven't I had enough
 Trouble in my life?" He raised his head,
 And for a second was enraged and yelling,
 At the top of the bridge "I was just driving
 Home!" His head fell down. "My God, and
 Now I've killed somebody."
 I looked down at my own peacoat and levis,
 Then over at the dead man's friend, who
 Was bawling and blubbering, what they would
 Call hysteria in a woman. "It isn't possible"
 He wailed, but it was possible, it was
 Indeed, accomplished and unfeeling, snoring
 In its peacoat, and without its levis on.
 He died laughing: that's a fact.
 I had a woman waiting for me,
 In her car and in the middle of the bridge,
 I'm frightened, I said.
 I'm afraid, he said, stay with me,
 Please don't go, stay with me, be
 My witness "No," I said, "I'll be your
 Witness later," and I took his name
 And number, "but I can't stay with you,
 I'm too frightened of the bridge, besides
 I have a woman waiting
 And no license
 And no tail lights "
 So I left
 As I have left so many of my lovers.
 We drove home
 Shaking, Wendy's face greyer
 Than any white person's I have ever seen.
 Maybe he beat his wife, maybe he once
 Drove taxi, and raped a lover
 Of mine how to know these things?
 We do each other in, that's a fact.
 Who will be my witness?
 Death wastes our time with drunkenness
 And depression
 Death, who keeps us from our
 Lovers.
 He had a woman waiting for him,
 I found when I called the number
 Days later
 "Where is he" she said, "he's disappeared/"
 "He'll be all right" I said, "we could
 Have hit the guy as easy as anybody, it
 Wasn't anybody's fault, they'll know that,"
 Women so often say dumb things like that,
 They teach us to be sweet and reassuring,
 And say ignorant things, because we don't invent
 The crime, the punishment, the bridges
 That same week I looked into the mirror
 And nobody was there to testify;
 How clear, and unemployed queer woman
 Makes no witness at all,
 Nobody at all was there for
 Those two questions: what does
 She do, and who is she married to?
 I am the woman who stopped on the bridge
 And this is the man who was there
 Our lovers teeth are white geese flying
 Above us, but we ourselves are
 Easily squished.
 Keep the women small and weak
 And off the street, and off the
 Bridges, that's the way, brother
 One day I will leave you there,
 As I have left you there before,
 Working for death.
 We found out later
 What we left him to.
 Six big policemen answered the call,
 All white, and no child in them.
 They put the driver up against his car
 And beat the hell out of him.
 What did you kill that poor kid for?
 You mutherfucking nigger.
 That's a fact.
 Death only uses violence
 When there is any kind of resistance,
 The rest of the time a slow
 Weardown will do.
 They took him to 4 different hospitals
 Til they got a drunk test report to fit their
 Case, and held him five days in jail
 Without a phone call.
 How many lovers have we left.
 There are as many contradictions to the game,
 As there are players.
 A woman is talking to death,
 Though talk is cheap, and like takes a long time
 To make
 Right. He got a cheesy lawyer
 Who had him cop a plea, 15 to 20
 Instead of life
 Did I say life?
 The arrogant young man who thought he
 Owned the bridge, and fell asleep on it
 He died laughing: that's a fact.
 The driver sits out his time
 Off the street somewhere,
 Does he have the most vacant of
 Eyes, will he die laughing?
 A table they made and on it was laid a baby we gave
 and I'm so dry mud cracked I maybe we deny where these
 walls won't let go of my eyes we made a circle of smoke
 on a train please same me from saying it was easy we
 were driving across the bridge so slow he lost his child in the snow