I Never Do Anything Twice

When I was young and single
 I don't recall the date
 I met a handsome captain of the guard
 He visited my chambers one evening very late
 In tandem with a husky Saint Bernard
 At first, I was astonished
 And tears came to my eyes
 But later, when I asked him to resume
 He said to my surprise
 "My dear, it isn't wise
 Where love is concerned
 One must freshen the bloom"
 Once, yes
 Once for a lark
 Twice, though
 Loses the spark
 One must never deny it
 But after you try it
 You vary the diet
 Said my handsome young guard
 "Yes, I know that it's hard
 Still, no matter how nice
 I never do anything twice"
 Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh
 I think about the baron
 Who came at my command
 And proffered me a riding crop and chains
 The evening that we shared was meticulously planned
 He took the most extraordinary pains
 He trembled with excitement
 His cheeks were quite aglow
 And afterwards he cried to me
 "Encore!"
 He pleaded with me so
 To have another go
 I murmured caressingly
 "Whatever for?"
 Once, yes
 Once is a lark
 Twice, though
 Loses the spark
 Once, yes
 Once is delicious
 But twice would be vicious
 Or just repetitious
 Someone's bound to be scarred
 Yes, I know that it's hard
 Still, no matter the price
 I never do anything twice
 Uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh
 And then there was the abbott
 Who worshipped at my feet
 And dressed me in a wimple and in veils
 He made a proposition
 Which I found rather sweet
 And handed me a hammer and some nails
 In time we lay contented
 And he began again
 By fingering the beads around our waists
 I whispered to him then
 "We'll have to say Amen"
 For I had developed more catholic tastes
 Once, yes
 Once for a lark
 Twice, though
 Loses the spark
 As I said to the abbott
 I'll get in the habit
 But not in the habit
 You've my highest regard
 And I know that it's hard
 Still, no matter the vice
 I never do anything twice
 Once, yes
 Once can be nice
 Love requires some spice
 If you've something in view
 Something to do
 Totally new
 I'll be there in a trice
 But I never do anything twice
 Except -
 No, I never do anything twice