You Must Meet My Wife

She lightens my sadness
 She livens my days
 She bursts with a kind of madness
 My well-ordered ways
 My happiest mistake, the ache of my life
 You must meet my wife
 She bubbles with pleasure
 She glows with surprise
 Disrupts my accustomed leisure
 And ruffles my ties
 I don't know know even now quite how it began
 You must meet my wife, my Anne
 One thousand whims to which I give in
 Since her smallest tear turns me ashen
 I never dreamed that I could live in
 So completely demented, contented a fashion
 So sunlike, so winning
 So unlike a wife
 I do think that I'm beginning
 To show signs of life
 Don't ask me how at my age one still can grow -
 If you met my wife, you'd know
 Dear Fredrik
 I'm just longing to meet her
 Sometime
 She sparkles
 How pleasant
 She twinkles
 How nice
 Her youth is a sort of present -
 Whatever the price
 The incandescent - what, the -
 Light?
 Of my life
 You must meet my wife
 Yes, I must. I really must
 Now -
 She flutters
 How charming
 She twitters
 My word!
 She floats
 Isn't that alarming?
 What is she, a bird?
 She makes me feel I'm - what, a-
 A very old man
 Yes - no!
 No?
 I must meet your Gertrude
 My Anne
 Sorry, Anne
 She loves my voice, my walk, my mustache
 The cigar, in fact, that I'm smoking
 She'll watch me puff until it's just ash
 Then she'll save the cigar butt
 Bizarre, but you're joking
 She dotes on--
 Your dimple
 My snoring
 How dear
 The point is, she's really simple
 Yes, that much seems clear
 She gives me funny names
 Like?
 "Old Dry-as-Dust."
 Wouldn't she just?
 You must meet my wife
 Yes, I must, yes, I must
 A sea of whims that I submerge in
 Yet so loveable in repentance
 Unfortunately still a virgin
 But you can't force a flower--
 Don't finish that sentence!
 She's monstrous!
 She's frightened
 Unfeeling!
 Unversed
 She'd strike you as unenlightened
 No, I'd strike her first
 Her reticence, her apprehension
 Her crust!
 No!
 Yes!
 No!
 Fredrik!
 You must meet my wife
 Let me get my hat and my knife!
 What was that?
 I must meet your wife
 Yes, you must (Yes, I must)