I still want to make you proud

infected youth
 grow spokesmen of gray
 she loved him so
 and he left
 he said he wished her to die
 and she cried
 closer, still
 to whatever may come of heartbreak
 then she found her self sea sick
 lost in an ocean
 without her pharmacy fisherman
 and she found it was too hard
 to stand up on her own
 she wished
 she could die
 never mind
 the growing weight
 in what she can't stomach
 left in the womb all alone
 she lost her baby on her own
 she just laid still
 left in the womb all alone
 she lost her baby on her own
 she became still
 after that she never felt right
 she just laid still
 (still)
 never told anyone 'bout the child
 she just stayed still
 (still)
 she told me
 and i cried
 still
 and i died
 i died in a small bit
 i died
 and i think about it all the time
 would it be better
 would it be nicer
 than me
 i hope that i'm not right
 i can't face that kind of life
 shadowed by someone never alive
 but how could love me
 after her heart was broken in two
 how could she be proud
 after her heart was taken from her
 i wonder about my sibling
 if a heaven has a
 place
 for
 her
 but god you work strangely
 you take smiles so quickly
 so quietly
 a blade can cut so quickly
 but my legs won't die so quietly
 i don't want to keep going
 i've got to keep going
 if not for my mother
 then for the one we've lost
 still
 a better world
 a nicer world
 how can i redeem myself
 for my
 failure
 i'll never know her
 she was never here
 i am failing
 to live on
 for myself
 i'm sorry
 i love you
 i'm sorry
 i didn't say it enough
 you could've asked
 why i am alive
 why am I alive