The Ballad Of Throat Culture

I wish I was in a band
 Being a solo singer makes me blue
 So if you want to join my band
 Here's what I can offer you
 We'd be called Throat Culture
 And we'd start off small
 We'd play in Scranton, Pennsylvania
 At the Shriners Hall
 We'd get discovered
 In a smokey bar
 By some British guy named, Nygel
 Says he'll make us all a star
 And we'd say
 Fuck that, man, we're not about the fame
 We don't need to suck like Creed, or someone just as lame
 All across the land
 Cause we're a rock and roll band
 So Nygel talks us in move to LA
 In the studio be slavin' every night and every day
 Until the label says we should replace
 Our funny looking bassist with a marketable face
 And we say
 Fuck that, man, oh man don't even try
 Bobs been with us since we started
 We don't mind his lazy eye or his disfigured hand
 'Cause we're a rock and roll band
 So Bob's replacement guy is called the Blade
 He's always wearing leather and he's always getting laid
 We share our vicodin, he shares cocaine
 By the time the tour started no one's feeling any pain
 The label named the tour The Tour of Doom
 But they kick all the teenagers out of the dressing room
 These girls are old enough to throw bras on stage
 But we're not supposed to love them because they're underage
 And we say
 Fuck that, man, we're all about our people
 I don't need to see her ID when I can clearly see her nipple
 Plus she's nicely tan
 And we're a rock and roll band
 I develop a heroin addiction
 You develop an aversion to the sun
 We both contract a syphilis affliction
 Now tell me if that doesn't sound like fun?
 I'm always so coked up
 I'm missing shows
 I get so wasted at the Grammys
 I punch J-Lo in the nose
 When we play Omaha
 We start a riot
 But you get pissed when I throw Nygel
 Through the window at the Hyatt
 And you come to my place
 To intervene
 You find me hanging by the pool house
 Shooting smack with Ben Berene
 You say I've gone downhill
 Since rags to riches
 It used to be about the homies
 Now its all about the bitches
 And I say
 Fuck you man, you motherfucking sellout
 You were nothing when I found you at the Sidewalk, so get the hell out
 Don't you know who I am?
 Get the fuck out of my rock and roll band
 So if you want to join my band
 Do all the things that I have planned
 Leave your number cause you can clearly see
 That you oughta be in a rock and roll band
 With me