Dolemite

Ladies and gentlemen
 Here he is
 The "now" comedian
 For the "now" generation
 Mister Rudy Ray Moore
 And I ain't lyin' either!
 Some folks say that Willie Green
 Was the baddest motherfucker the world ever seen
 But I want you to light you up a joint and take a real good shit
 And screw your wig on tight
 And let me tell you about the little bad motherfucker called Dolemite
 Now Dolemite was from San Antonio
 A ramblin', scramblin', gamblin' lil' young motherfucker from the day he was born
 Why, the day he was dropped from his mommy's ass
 He slapped his papa's face and said
 "From now on, cocksucker, I'm runnin' this place!"
 At the age of one
 He was drinkin' whiskey and gin
 At the age of ten he was eating the bottles they came in
 Now Dolemite had an uncle called Sudden Death
 Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath
 When his uncle heard how Dolemite was treatin' his own ma and pa
 He said, "Let me go and check this lil' bad rascal before he go too far"
 Now one cold dark December night
 His uncle broke in on Dolemite
 Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or four
 When his uncle come breaking through the door
 His uncle said, "Dolemite, said I want you to straighten up
 And treat yo' brother right, 'cause if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin'
 I'm gon' whoop your ass till your heart stop beatin'"
 Dolemite sittin' in the middle of the floor playin'
 He said, "I see your lips quiverin' unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin' word you're sayin'"
 This made his uncle mad
 He let off with wrath that made lightning flash
 But Dolemite tore his leg off, he was that damn fast
 Now the men of San Antonio gathered around that night
 To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called Dolemite
 It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town
 To finally roll Dolemite's ass down, and put him in jail
 They held him without bail
 If you think his mami was happy, you should have seen his papi
 Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed
 The average motherfucker woulda long, long been dead
 Now the Warden called Dolemite, said, "Dolemite
 I'ma gon' tell you what we gon' do
 We gon' give you a dollar and a half and a damn good knee up
 If you promise to leave us alone and get your bad ass out of San Antonio"
 Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good knee up
 And said, "I'm gon' tell you old, jarred, moulded, ancient, decrepit motherfuckers how I feel
 Said, "Y'all can suck my dick, nuts and ass down to the motherfuckin' bone
 Because I ain't never comin' back to San Antonio"
 Now Dolemite weren't no more than thirteen, when they let him out the cage
 He said, "I'll thank the poor cross sea and try my fate"
 He got a job in Africa kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape
 He got run out of South America for fuckin' steers
 He fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears
 Now Dolemite worked for five years and a day, got his pay
 Said, "Well, I'll leave, I'll go back to that jive-ass U.S.A"
 Where the news of the heavyweight fight was bein' broadcast that night
 And a special bulletin, said, "Look out, storms, atomic bombs, and Dolemite"
 Now the first thing Dolemite encountered, was two big Rocky Mountains
 He said, "Now, what y'all gon' do?"
 They said, "We gon' part, Mr. Dolomite, and let yo' bad ass through"
 Now Dolemite went on down to Kansas city
 Chicken asses till both shoes were shitty
 Hobo'd in desire
 Who did he run into but that badass, two gun Pete?
 He said, "Move over, and let me pass
 'Fore they have to pull these triple A's out your motherfuckin' ass"
 Went on down to 42nd Street
 Looked, but no shit, but someplace he could sleep and eat
 Run in to that shy neighbour, of all the hoes, she was the boss
 She'd suck ya, fuck ya, and jack ya off
 She said, "Come on down to my bed, Dolemite"
 Said, "We gon' fuckin' fight till broad daylight"
 Dolemite said, "Bitch, I had a job in Africa
 Kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape
 So then I got run out of South America for fuckin' steers
 So then I fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears"
 Mabel said, "I don't care where you goin' and where you been
 Said, "I plan to wrap this good hot juicy pussy all around your badass chin"
 Dolemite said, "Bitch, it's best you not fuck with me"
 Said, "I better run you down some of my pedigree
 So that's when they crossed muddy rivers that ain't never got wet
 Mountains this fellow, old man ain't dead yet
 I fucked an elephant and dad and her mother
 I can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butt
 I fucked another elephant down to a coon
 Even fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the motherfuckin' moon
 So I rode across the ocean on the head of my dick
 And ate nine tonnes of catshit and ain't never got sick
 And you talk about wrapping your hot juicy pussy all around my badass chin
 Bitch! You oughta be blowin' up my ass tryna be my motherfuckin' friend"
 Oh, but Mabel bought it
 That's when the fuckin' started
 She made her pussy do the mojo, the popcorn, the turkey, and the grime
 Left Dolemite's ass nine strokes behind
 She threw pussy up Dolemite's back, come out of his ears, down his side
 Run out of his bonded
 Damn near pulled his asshole outta the sucker
 But Dolemite suddenly made a mojo turn
 Had the crabs around that bitches asshole, hollerin', "Burn, baby, burn!"
 But the next mornin' they found Mabel dead
 With her jaws wrapped around a nappy ass head
 And the crabs was madder than a motherfucker
 To see Dolemite eat 'em out of they goddamn supper
 But Dolemite kept on kickin' asses and fuckin' up in the fold
 Till finally his roll was called
 They had his viewing
 Carried him down to the graveyard
 Dolemite was dead
 But his dick was still hard
 The preacher said, "Ashes to ashes
 And dust to dust
 Said I'm glad
 This little bad motherfucker called Dolemite
 Is no longer here with us, bye bye"