Obsession

It only does this because I let it
 And it only takes control because I feed it
 And after giving in for the hundredth time today, I feel as if I need it
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 I know it's just thoughts running through my head
 But it feels so real
 It feels like you and me
 It's like a helpless disease of the mind
 That deteriorates and eats at my thoughts
 Poisoning every thought and image
 And making them one of it's own
 Everytime I try to overcome, I succumb
 Giving in to the thoughts holding me captive
 The thoughts that define me in all that I am
 It feels surreal wondering if I'd be better off dead. But is it real? Is what should be asked instead
 It's been 15 years that I've held on to this question
 15 years that it's consumed me with it's haunted remark
 All along feels that I've been shooting blanks in the dark
 Seeking answers to questions I can't even comprehend
 And somedays... somedays!
 I wonder if this is it
 If this is all I'll ever amount to
 If this is all that I'm supposed to be
 It's a dark feeling that eats away at all
 happiness from avoiding all of your fears
 A feeling that tears down all those walls
 that you've been building up over the years
 Those walls that made you feel safe in your head
 As if nothing could possibly go wrong
 But you always knew that they would fall,
 All along
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 Everytime I try to make this right
 It loops itself again and in the end I'm the one to blame
 Like having a conscience, but yet feeling no shame
 It's a delusional hold on the mind
 That recreates those past horrors that you've been running from
 Once lost, but not forgotten
 It takes years of trial and error
 And even then you may not reach a definite end
 It's a disease that changes how you think
 Changing what you think is rash and how you react and makes you seem different when you try to interact
 And makes it impossible to ever go back to the expression of normal
 Or how it used to be
 Because how it used to be... has gotten so far... away from me
 Just like those memories of you and me
 I swear we could lay there for hours
 And do nothing but talk about the past
 And life to come
 Not once filled with a dull moment
 And now I just want to know what's running through that head of yours
 Maybe I can overthink my way in and know exactly how you feel
 Or if you thought for even one second that what we had was real
 I know I've never been the same since that time
 It's like this contagion of the mind
 fears you or I finally can ignore it
 No matter the reasoning, I just want to control it
 But honestly, I don't know if I can
 It's like I've let the devil wrap himself around me
 I've been filled with more fear going down
 than I ever have in the surface
 I try not to be scared or nervous
 But I think I've just come to terms with my purpose