A Boy and His Boat

Hey, it's Link, I'm back, and I'm sailing on a ship
 I'm the King of Red Lions!
 Yo, I don't give a shit
 If there's one thing I've learned from years of saving this land
 It's all I really need is a sword and shield in my hand
 But look over there, that sign says "Beware!"
 "A giant pit no one can jump, you can't fly through the air"
 You'll need a special item to get through that moat
 But what do I know, right? I'm just a fucking boat!
 Fuck, alright, shit, okay
 I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way
 But as far as I'm concerned, all I need is "sword play"
 Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, okay?
 Your quest is long, and the road is tough
 The path is dark, you're gonna need a shitload of stuff
 No lives are spared, you better be prepared
 Moblin fangs and a boomerang
 And a cloth to shield that nasty wang!
 From Majora's mask to an empty flask
 Here's what you need to complete your task!
 A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key!
 And a second place trophy from a local spelling bee?
 A candle with the handle, and a single Velcro sandal
 Is this an old court order for a drug related scandal?
 No...
 Hey boat, all these items hurt my back, its a lot!
 Pop a Tylenol, you bitch, you've got 87 slots!
 Here's a hammer that can break any kind of rock that it hits (oh)
 And a pair of full-size studio drum kits (ugh!)
 A giant used Q-tip
 A really small cruise ship
 A parent's signature for a Disneyland school trip?
 Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax
 And a legendary sacred hidden Golden Tome Of Fart Jokes!
 This Wind Waker lets you control the air
 And this sit maker is a really comfortable reclining chair!
 The road is long, you must protect that schlong
 Noble stallions and quake medallions
 You're a bigger deal than plumbing Italians!
 Sour-dough, a herd of buffalo
 Just a few more things and you're ready to go!
 Your grandma's glass eyeball
 80-pounds of drywall
 And every single item from the March issue of Skymall?
 A vegan pasta maker
 The wrestler "Undertaker?"
 An odd number of crutches and a family of Quakers
 A basket of muffins
 A turkey with the stuffin'
 A pillow that needs fluffin'?
 A society of puffins!
 A fresh unopened box of race-quality potato sacks
 46 copies of "The Jerk" on Betamax!
 It's getting kinda heavy
 I don't care, here's a Chevy!
 And the Wacky World of Minigolf
 Starring Eugene Levy!
 Oh my God
 I absolutely cannot carry one more thing!
 Don't you worry, all that's left is this single piece of string
 Whoa... you see?
 This is exactly why I also packed a spinal surgeon
 I hate you, boat