Song for Losers

I'm a pretty good guy
 I scrub behind my ears each morning
 And I floss every night
 I care about the environment
 Nowadays people seem to admire that
 And yet
 It's so hard to find a friend
 If you don't drink
 If you don't smoke
 If you don't wanna poke
 Everything with a pulse
 You're a loser
 A disaster
 They're perpetually telling you to grow up faster
 Well, if that's what it takes to be cool
 Someone needs to change the rules
 I'm impossibly kind
 I'll never ever forget your birthday
 And I'll always care what's on your mind
 I'll go with you to the fair
 And maybe if we're lucky I can win you a bear
 So where
 Is someone when I need someone there?
 Well, if you don't drink
 If you don't smoke
 If you don't wanna poke
 Everything with a pulse
 You're a loser
 A disaster
 They're perpetually telling you to grow up faster
 Well, if that's what it takes to be cool
 Someone needs to change the rules
 I'm a vegan
 And I ride my bicycle whenever I can
 I've got a feeling I could save the world
 If I had someone to help me
 Outside on every street
 I pass a multitude of people
 That I'd never wanna meet
 As they stagger to a place where they'll carouse all night
 I just wanna cry and yell at them with all my might
 I just wanna stop and tell them that it's not okay
 For them to fritter every moment of their lives away like that!
 I wanna say, hey! Why can't you see?
 You don't know what a party is
 Till you've hung out with me
 We can dance through the puddles in the empty streets
 We can warm up and cuddle in between the sheets
 We can make popcorn on the stove
 We can watch X-men parts 1, 2, and or 3
 But if you don't drink
 If you don't smoke
 If you don't wanna poke
 Everything with a pulse
 You're a loser
 A disaster
 They're perpetually telling you to grow up faster
 Well, if that's what it takes to be cool
 Someone needs to change the rules
 Send me back to elementary school
 So I can play all day in my kiddy pool
 Never have to worry about how buff I'm not
 Never have to worry about how tough I'm not
 And maybe I won't even notice whether I am loved or not
 I dunno
 I dunno
 I don't know oo-oh, oo-oh, oo-oh
 Well, I don't know what to do
 I'm in a quandary
 It's clear I need somebody
 But I cannot seem to find out who
 And if they're anything like me
 It's likely that this person will be tricky to see
 So if you do
 Would you please refer them to me?
 'Cause I don't drink
 And I don't smoke
 But I could brighten up
 Your day with a joke
 If you'd let me
 Once you've met me
 Maybe I can make it so you never wanna forget me
 Maybe we could change the rules