The Actuary Song

Take your relationship length, or RL
 First year of RL
 Is worth six month's recovery
 The second year is worth exactly half that
 Now don't you laugh at this brilliant discovery
 Each year is worth one half the lack of mirth the year before was worth
 Your aches and pains will soon diminish
 So rebound time
 RT is the fraction of the year it takes for pain to disappear
 You go through RT and then finish
 Your RT is important
 And it really can't be shortened
 No matter what you do don't even try (What if I)
 So you can date around
 But then those guys will just be rebound men
 That's what rebound time is all about
 And it's as simple as that
 So I give it time
 Then find the one
 I'm gonna go out and I'll get him
 Once my rebound time is done
 I have his picture in my mind
 It's as clear as black and white
 He'll be everything I've ever dreamed of
 I'm gonna find Mr. Right
 Yes
 No
 We still need to figure out your rebound time
 You following me so far
 Yes
 No
 Some factors can make a relationship feel long
 Like how right the break up felt
 Or the way that things went wrong
 If you ask me it's plain to see
 That there are three things to consider
 When it's all to be configurated
 Your RL
 It can change
 I know it may sound strange
 But what matters is how long it feels like you dated
 Your new RL
 We'll call it adjusted RL
 Or just ARL
 And it's the ARL that changes with
 One, what number boyfriend was he
 Was it low or was it high
 Also known as the number boyfriend index or the NBI
 This matters, it does
 And it's four divided by three plus the number boyfriend that he was
 Two, the who broke up with whom concept
 The WBUWWC
 You with me
 If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths
 If you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths
 And number three
 The bitterness factor
 Rate the bitterness of the breakup on a scale of one to ten
 You take that number, divide by point five and then you get the BF
 And it's as simple as that
 So what's my rebound time
 Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your twenty-seventh boyfriend
 Based on how you're reacting to the breakup, I'd say the bitterness is about a 5
 So pluck that all in, carry the 1
 And it's like you dated for a year
 You know, it felt like that
 Exactly
 Putting your rebound time at six months
 Officially
 Isn't that what I said five minutes ago
 But now it's proven
 So I'll give it time
 Begin to heal
 Once I'm done with rebound time
 It's time to bring on someone real
 We'll think all the same thoughts
 And we'll never ever fight
 He'll be everything I've ever dreamed of
 I'm gonna find Mr. Right
 Yeah, actually, ah (What)
 Well, it's not that simple
 Some of my friends got their perfect man
 But just before they got him
 They dated the worst man possible
 They hit boyfriend rock bottom
 So in order to find my perfect man
 I need to find someone who's perfectly wrong
 I'm in New York, that shouldn't take too long
 You've gotta find Mr. Wrong while you're in RT
 Or you'll repeat this cycle forever
 Just like me
 I'll give it time (You bet you will, don't blow it)
 But first I have to find someone (When I was in my rebound time, I blew it and I knew it)
 Who's flawed, structured, and boring (I blew it, God I blew it, I blew it and I knew it)
 He'll have warts of every kind (Super warty)
 I'll give it time (Warty, warty, warty)
 But then leave Mr. Rebound behind (warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty)
 He'll have a bump
 Live in a dump
 Be such a chump
 That if you hump you'll need a penis-pump
 I'll give it time (You're gonna give it time)
 Otherwise I'll be sure (Otherwise you'll be sure)
 To go back through the cycle that I've cycled through before (To go back to the cycle that you've cycled through before)
 I'm sure it won't be pleasant
 But I'll stand strong (But you'll stand strong)
 And I swear I will be there
 No matter where
 So to find Mr. Right (Because I care, we are a pair, and we will share the wear and tear)
 In the next six months
 I'm gotta find Mr. Wrong (You're gonna find Mr. Wrong)