Phantom Limb Masturbation

It started as a child
 When I first sought to flirt with fate
 I'd lay next to the tracks with arms outstretched across the rails
 Daydreaming fantasizing of sparks and screeching brakes
 The plumes of bright red gushing iridescent in the sun
 Adopt a life of struggle
 One down three more to go
 Desire: amputation
 Leave me writhing in the limbless throes
 It is deficiency I crave
 I want so to be helpless
 To inferiority a slave
 A clump of breathing flesh
 Free from extremity
 Now replete with nothing left
 Disassemble me
 Limb from limb oh what a treat
 No more feeling incomplete nor Encumbered by this lie
 My prayer is for calamity
 Merciful blades to sever me
 Crippling
 Detruncating
 Immobile by design
 Majestic ancient titan
 Swims proudly in its tank
 I wish to slake its hunger
 Flailing my legs as bait
 "I finally feel complete. I am now whole"
 Superfluous gesture
 An unnecessary art
 Sacrificial offering
 Unto the gilded saw
 Rid me of my shame
 Of what I've overachieved
 My envy is the handicapped
 Lord, I beg of you, I plead
 I plead
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 Wheelchairs prosthetics crutches
 All stimulus to me
 My love beyond mere fetish
 Call it disabling
 I'd waltz upon a landmine
 Feed digits to machines
 Phantom limb masturbation
 The only way
 Dissemble me
 Limb from limb oh what a treat
 No more feeling incomplete nor encumbered by this lie
 My prayer is for calamity
 Merciful blades to sever me
 Crippling
 Detruncating
 Immobile by design
 Disassemble me
 Piece by piece a loving feat
 Body image incomplete corrected by a knife
 My hope is for catastrophe
 A gangrenous limbdectomy
 Dismantling
 Dismembering
 Cut down to perfect size