(I'm in Love With) Marie Lloyd

It's a fact I can't avoid
 I'm in love, I'm in love with Marie Lloyd
 (He's in love with Marie Lloyd)
 And I know that if she knew
 She would feel, she would feel the same way too
 (She would feel the same way too)
 Her backstage security
 Have got their beady eye on me
 Whenever I try to see her
 I get thrown out on my ear
 She loves a boy in the gallery
 I know that she means me
 I wait to give her flowers
 By the stage door for hours
 And hours
 And hours
 And hours
 And hours
 And hours
 And hours
 It's a fact I can't avoid
 I'm in love, I'm in love with Marie Lloyd
 (He's the man she can't avoid)
 And I know that if she knew
 She would feel, she would feel the same way
 (I'm not sure she agrees with you)
 I'm banned from every music hall where Marie treads the boards
 And now I wear disguises just to get through the front door
 And when she appears I try to storm the stage and kiss her
 But every time so far the in-house bouncers have been quicker
 They're quicker
 They're quicker
 They're quicker
 They're quicker
 They're quicker
 The bouncers have been quicker, yeah
 If only I could meet her, she'd see that I'm not some crazy fan
 (You're not gonna meet her, her agent's got a plan)
 She'd see that I'm her soulmate, I'm not just some random crazy man
 (Marie, looks like you're gonna have to go round the back again tonight love)
 I've showered her with letters and gifts and trinkets and flowers, she's never once responded. She's turned her back on us. It's like she's forgotten the people who put her there, her fans. I even got her a puppy, a puppy in a basket with a bow in its hair. I suppose I'll have to go drown that in the Thames now. I mean, what's her problem? What is her problem?