The People's Common Sense Medical Advisor By R.V. Pierce M.D.

Oh i went to the hospital
 'Cause i was feeling weird
 I must have wait half a day
 Before i got a seeing
 The doctor wasn't sympathetic
 But he had a beard
 Spectacles were shiny
 His hand were nice and clean
 He looked me up and down
 And then began to frown
 He (??) up his finger
 And drew a deep breath
 He said that my condition
 Had a medical definition
 He looked sharp into my eye
 And this is what he said
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 How many times a day do you masturbate
 How frequently do you give in to the shame of self abuse
 How often is your jizzing brought about through onanism
 I sugest this self polution is the reason you're confused
 Said that when i'm at home
 I must leave my cock alone
 My onanistic habits
 Were the source of all my grief
 He said that the (??)
 Had made themselves insane
 Through the act of self relief
 I'm sorry doc, i mean, i'm not a learned man like you but i just don't see the conection.
 Well, this is getting rather tiresome, please try and engage with the process.
 Now answer, i'll ask one more time, ready?
 Well, alright doc, you are the professional, i'll give it a go.
 Good man.
 It's amazing what's arousing
 Once you've set you mind to douse
 In the erotic flame that warms a boiler
 Of your carnal parts
 The slightest stimulation
 So excites imagination
 You find your hand inside your pants
 And self polution starts
 Look, maybe you don't understand the seriousness of the situation.
 If I may refer to page 286 of The Peoples's Common Sense Medical Advisor.
 That's the book you wrote isn't it, doc?
 It is indeed, you can see my name on the spine there, Harvey Pierce MD, page 286 I said.
 Untaught miseries arrive from the polution of the body, self polution or onanism is one of the most prolific sources of evil. Since it leads to both degradation of body and mind. The habit, once stablished, is overcome with the greatest difficulty. This vicious habit, often practiced by those ignorant of it's dangerous results. Statistics show that insanity is frequently caused by marturbation.
 Fuckin hell.
 Precisely.
 Well doc, i think you've convinced me, showing me the error of my ways, the path has opened to me, so...
 I'm gonna reduce the number of times a day I masturbate
 Cut down the frequency of my shamefull self abuse
 Bring about my jizzing through sex not onanism
 I can see this self polution is the reason I'm confused
 By god i think he's got it!
 Thank you very much indeed, doctor!
 No trouble at all.
 I'll shake you by the hand.
 I'd rather you didn't.
 Alright, fair enough, anyway, see you later.
 Goodbye. Nurse, could you send in the next patient, please.
 Hello there, doc.
 Hello, what seems to be the problem?
 I've done me leg, i think it's, huh, i think it's broken.
 Really... How many times a day do you masturbate?