I Am the Very Model of a Modern

I am the very model of a modern Major-General
 I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
 I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
 From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
 I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
 I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
 About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news
 Lot o' news? Got it!
 With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!
 With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
 With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
 With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypote-potenuse!
 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 I am the very model of a modern Major-General!
 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 He is the very model of a modern Major-General!
 I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
 I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
 I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
 In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous
 I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
 I know the croaking from The Frogs of Aristophanes
 Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
 Ooh, din afore? Got it!
 And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore!
 And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
 And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
 And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pina-Pinafore
 Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
 And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 I am the very model of a modern Major-General
 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 He is the very model of a modern Major-General
 In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"
 When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin
 When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
 And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"
 When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
 When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
 In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy
 Ooh, I say. Strategy, strategy, strategy. Ooh, that's a, that's a hard one, isn't it? Oh, got it!
 You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee!
 You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee
 You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee
 You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a, sat a gee!
 For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
 Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
 But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 I am the very model of a modern Major-General!
 But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 He is the very model of a modern Major General!
 Presto agitato s'il vous plaît, maestro
 In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"
 When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin
 When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
 And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"
 When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
 When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
 In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy
 You'll say a better Major-General has never... rode a horse!
 You'll say a better Major-General has never rode a horse
 You'll say a better Major-General has never rode a horse
 You'll say a better Major-General has never rode a, rode a horse!
 For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
 Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
 Still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 I am the very model of a modern Major-General
 But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
 He is the very model of a modern Major-General
 Yes, well, thank you
 Well, yes, well, now that I've introduced myself
 I should like to know: what's going on?
 Oh, dear papa
 Permit me, I can explain in two words
 We propose to marry your daughters
 Oh, dear me!
 Against our wills, papa, against our wills!
 Oh, but you mustn't do that!
 May I ask, may I ask: this is a picturesque uniform, I'm not familiar with it
 What are you?
 We are all single gentlemen!
 Yes, I gathered that, ha! Anything else?
 No, nothing else
 Papa, don't believe them
 They are pirates – the famous Pirates of Penzance!
 The Pirates of Penzance! I've often heard of them
 All except for this gentleman, who was a pirate once, but is out of his indentures today
 And means to lead a blameless life evermore
 But wait a bit, wait a bit, wait a bit! I object to pirates as sons-in-law
 We object to Major-Generals as fathers-in-law
 But we waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it
 An idea! And do you mean to say, I said do you mean to say
 You would rob me of these, the sole remaining props of my old age
 And leave me to go through the remainder of my life unfriended, unprotected, and alone?
 Well, yes, that's the idea
 Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?
 Oh, dash it all!
 Here we are again!