Wavering

I've let melancholy permeate my epidermis
 It resonates with every word and I'm stirred awake at night
 Because my mind is but a pendulum that oscillates
 It swings from grief that suffocates
 To brevity my voice can't shake
 I stutter when I speak 'cause I'm still so weak
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 I guess the notion of content has always felt incongruent
 But it took a long time to be honest with myself
 About the solipsistic attitude I take towards my health
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 Oh, how it pains me to admit it
 I'm far from self-sufficient
 My independence stolen
 By persistent mental illness
 Please don't mistake my silence for ignorance
 I'm trying to be better at this
 But I'm sick and tired of self-abusing
 And making excuses for why
 I hesitate to lead a life that should elate me
 I'm reminded daily that my depression can't be justified
 But I can't seem to quieten down my mind
 I've always been ashamed to say that maybe I need help
 But it's either that, or face the fact I may end up killing myself
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 I can't tell if I'm a coward for being scared to leave
 Or if I'm brave for staying when I'm riddled with worry
 So this is an open letter to myself in ten years' time
 I'm sorry if you're not around to read this
 I swear that I tried