Buff

Would you like me to fix all the environmental problems on the planet?
 I can do it, the solution simple, you won't help, that's the real problem
 Stop having kids
 You hear that that's not enough support, that's why we have to contaminate the water
 Because most of you are not on board yet
 But that's all that has to happen, just stop having kids
 And I'm not one of these people that cares about the planet
 I hope it blows up the day after we're gone
 But stop having kids and then we can have the greatest party for the next 60 to 70 years
 Just pissing through all the natural resources
 It would be amazing, but what happens? some of you, you get fed up
 Yeah, I hate my life, you try-
 Look it looks like me
 Selfish that's what I think of your families, selfish
 China has the right idea
 They're the smartest people on the planet
 If they think boys are more important and to should be the cap Good enough for me
 We have a TV show in our country called 19 and counting
 That show should be called wrecked pussy
 Shocking that one of those kids turned out to be a bad egg
 You mean he can't keep your eye on 19 children
 You can't be a good parent to three kids
 Do you know how I know that?
 Because my parents had four
 What are you gonna do? If one of them asked, who you love more?
 I love you all the same
 Oh, really a 19-way tie?
 Fuck you mom
 And you deserve that kind of language
 You can't sell a 19-way tie to anyone
 You're gonna have to be honest with those kids
 Like alright, let's see one of you is a predator, so you're out
 Not even sure these three are mine anymore
 No idea where the ginger staring at me you have no shot
 You think I enjoy dunking you in a tub of sunblock just to bring you outside you mutant
 What is your x-men power besides killing every bone in every room you walk into
 I Tease redheads, you're just as pretty as prettier people
 The reason so many people in this country keep having litters of children
 Are all these fertility drugs
 You're not gonna like this joke heads up
 Know that if you have to take a ton of fertility drugs to get pregnant
 That is God just saying you'd be an awful parent
 Yeah, maybe if you weren't to the cunt in your 30s, you'd be a mother in your 40s
 Let's be clear I don't want to do that joke
 I have to do that joke
 Because statistically that will ruin at least two people's night this evening
 And for some horrible reason which I can't explain that brings me joy
 To know that there's a lady here right now, that's gonna, "fuck him"
 I deserve a family too
 No, you don't, you don't
 It's called the American dream for a reason it's unrealistic
 It's not gonna happen for everyone
 You want a kid so bad adopt one you selfish wench
 We're only halfway through this joke hang in there
 You ever seen an orphanage?
 I asked this from time to time because I know the answer
 Most people haven't it's a real problem this country
 There's kids that need homes, yet where they're located is a goddamn mystery
 You think that'd be a crucial part of the orphanage is business plan
 Being very accessible like, hey-hey we're over here
 Nobody's ever given me directions to their place been like
 You go the orphanage you take a right my house is right there, you can't miss it
 Maybe this is a better way you ever go to a grocery store on a Saturday
 And out front They have a pin set up for rescue dogs
 I'm not I'm not impl- I'm not implying putting the orphans in
 I'm just pointing out that that's also a real problem
 They were smart enough to realize bring the problem to us
 Shove it in our face makes the problem go away
 Now set up a nicer pin put it in the shade
 If you can afford whole Foods you can afford another child
 And if you can't, at least put some hand sanitizer on and sit in there and play for a couple minutes
 That's the very least you could do
 You ever watch your morning local news
 Where once a week somebody from the animal shelter will bring a dog on
 Do you know why they do it huh? because it works
 Because bringing that dog on TV makes somebody at home go
 You know what I could take that dog and you saved his life
 Why aren't we doing that with orphans? I don't understand
 Honestly like- like this is Carlita. She's only five you can change her name
 She doesn't give a shit
 Come on Carlita, can you dance Carlita?
 She just wants a home for Christmas