White

Wow, thank you
 Believe it or not, that gets old
 It is great to be here in America, oh yeah
 The greatest country in the world, if you haven't traveled a lot
 Do we have to constantly scream we're number one?
 It's always the people who live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest
 People in Kansas, "We're the greatest country in the world"
 It's like, do you guys have internet there?
 Have you ever seen a photo of Fiji?
 I've never been to Fiji but I've seen photos it looks pretty amazing
 It's hard to think we're better than that
 We're top 10
 Maybe if we started screaming that every day
 Maybe terrorists would stop trying to saw our heads off
 "We're top 10", then they'd be like "That's fair"
 It was that number one stuff that was getting old
 America has basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign-up
 Like It's been twenty-two days since our last horrible thing
 Then it's like "Alright rip it down, we're back at 0 again"
 These things just keep happening
 You know, whether its Ferguson or Baltimore
 I can solve racist cops, that's an easy fix
 But nobody comes to me for the answers
 You wanna get rid of that forever?
 How about this, only black people should be allowed to be cops
 Boom, problem solved
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 And if any of you have issue with this, it's because you're racist
 Well, what about white people?
 White people can be firefighters
 We're more outdoorsy, makes sense
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 White people firefighters, black people cops
 Who wants tickets to the softball game now?
 Yeah, it's gonna get pretty tense, might wanna put in a mercy rule
 And the next time we have one of these tragedies, inevitably we will
 And you have to be so unfortunate enough to know the person that's being accused of the crime
 Do us all a favor, and don't get on TV the next day and be like
 "I lived next to him for 32 years, I never could've seen this coming"
 Maybe you should be locked up for six months
 I find nothing more disrespectful, you never could've seen it coming
 I've never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things. literally no one
 My mom could blow up a nursery
 And if you put me on TV the next day, and I was completely honest with myself
 I'd be like "I can fuckin' see it"
 No, it makes sense
 Sometimes when I was a kid, I'd come home from school she wasn't happy to see me
 I think she hates children
 Ladies, know that every man you're sitting next to tonight
 If you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had, you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off
 Because trust me, they're capable of anything
 All day long, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, awful shit is just going round and round and round
 And what do you do at night?
 You snuggle up next to him because you're so happy that you're not alone
 And I think that says more about you
 That notion that your parents raised you on, stand by your man? If you're insane
 The second your man gets accused of anything, you immediately distance yourself
 Just be like, "Oh, I don't know what the fuck he's into"
 Buy clothes in the next town, we'll forgive you
 By the way, I do love this country
 We're the only place with any diversity
 The entire planet is segregated
 You realize that when you watch international sports
 Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup, despite hating it
 I guess that soccer is the most popular sport on the planet
 That's because half the world can't afford AC
 
 And that's about how long you have to run just to get tired enough to fall asleep in this Godforsaken countries
 You ever tried to gamble on soccer
 What's the over under? Point five
 How much time's left? It's a secret, I'm out
 While we have diversity, other teams don't
 Or if you go to the Olympics
 You looking at um
 You've got gymnastic squad, we have an Asian girl, a white girl, a black girl
 Look at the Chinese squad
 Any guesses?
 Did you guess exclusively Chinese bitches
 Yeah, that's all that's ever been on that team, that's all will ever be on that team
 Then they wonder why they're not getting golds anymore
 Well, you better get a hollow in China
 You think snapping together iPad's all day is tough
 It is, not as tough as it used to be
 Now they have suicide nets 'round their buildings
 So they can jump out, bounce right back
 Sorry boss, just needed some fresh air
 Back to making Americans more stuffed
 You got it
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 This is a tough joke to do as a white comedian
 But here it goes
 Because where this country is now, from where we came from is pretty remarkable
 There's nothing more shameful in our country's past than slavery
 Okay, it's horrible
 But I've grown up in a generation where I've idolized black people my entire life
 They are better at everything
 So the fact that we pulled off slavery
 I've already said it's awful
 That's off the table
 I'm just saying it's kind of neat
 I mean at any point they coulda been like, "You know we can just run away right?"
 And you will never catch us
 And if you do, we will beat the living shit outta you
 That's about how well that joke should go over
 There's a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm and ooh! This feels like a rally
 And you did well
 That's a joke I do not do everywhere
 That's a joke the audience get too excited, I shot it down
 You start hearing a couple hee-ahs, troubles are brewing
 As soon as hee-ah hits a certain octave, hate crime and t minus ten, nine