FOUR

And sports needs steroids. It does are you kidding me, oh
 baseball certainly, baseball is a strike away from being
 soccer. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America.
 See our country already has entertainment, so watching
 people chase a ball around for four hours to end zero-
 zero isn't enjoyably unless of course the bleachers
 collapse and half of Europe dies. Or you're watching that
 girl from the University New Mexico. She seems pretty
 competitive. Remember her? She was yanking chicks
 down by the hair, kicking chicks in the pussy. I can only
 assume that her father was in a bunch of gambling debt
 and everything was riding on that game. And she's out
 there, "I'm doing this for you pa," or she really hates
 Mormons, one or the other. Pretty sure they were playing
 BYU.
 Ah, Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle
 either, lets hit the ball deep. Don't worry about your
 records either, for every superstar that has done steroids,
 a billion double a boys have juiced up, so the playing field
 is plenty even. Well put an asterisk next to Barry bonds
 name sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's
 name: getting to break record before black people were
 allowed to play. Excuse me, where is that asterisks? Why
 don't people talk about that? I'd love to know how many
 homers the babe would've hit had CC be throwing 92 mile
 an hour sliders. Maybe, the fat boy would've put the cigar
 down and quit pointing had José been allowed to swim 90
 miles to throw him a junk ball. Don't worry if you don't
 follow: 90 miles is the distance from Key West to Cuba,
 José is a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and
 a junk ball is an impossible pitch to hit yard any place
 except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke.
 The point is the record books might look a little different
 had our country not founded by racists, that's all. And I
 love that in 2010 you're still not allowed to shit on the
 founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They're a bunch
 of racist fucking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just
 hope that when they were signing the declaration of
 independence, they shot each other a glance, "all men
 are created equal, you know what we mean. Now get me
 some hot coffee boy."
 At least we not women, right fellas? Jeez. What is that
 like, is it horrible, is it awful, to know you're number 2? By
 the way, these aren't my beliefs; it's my observations on
 the world I live in. If it changes, I'll adjust the material
 accordingly. I like when you try to rationalize it, "No it's
 great being a women, free drinks is worth not having
 equality." Listen, you're in great country to be number
 two, because at least in America its close, right, men are
 here women are here. Some countries it's like this, and
 house cat is right there. That is a bad country to be a
 woman in. Don't' get lost in a hike there, you'll end up on
 YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption
 for that.
 I do think we could be a little less PC when it comes to
 sports though. Just once, I want to hear an announcer go,
 "god black people are fast. Holy cow, All of them, they're
 fast. Back to you Bob." Why don't we say that, we're all
 the same species, got it. If I'm at a horse track and I see
 them cramming Clydesdale in gate 3, uh, I'm not going to
 put my money on it, gonna bet on the thoroughbred,
 preferably one from Jamaica, they've got wheels.
 I don't like Stuart Scott on sports center. If you don't who
 he is, he's a black gentleman that graduated from UNC
 with almost perfect grades. He feels the need to talk hip
 hop for absolutely no reason at all. While he's calling
 plays he'll be like boo-yah. Easy Stuart. First of all, I have
 more street cred than you. Second of all, I have HD
 television and you have one eye. Yeah, it's grossing me
 out. It's eight in the morning, I'm eating egos, I don't want
 to see Cyclops struggling with the teleprompter. Boo-yah.
 Take that to the UK where they embrace ugly people on
 television, not here in America you circus freak. Yeah,
 next time you want to catch passes on the side line, use
 your hands don't let it come to the body, you learn that in
 Pop Warner. I'm aware that I could end the joke at the
 good part, I choose not to.