The College Try

There comes a time in everyone's life
 When they choose stasis or they choose to grow
 To be open new views and experiences
 And challenge what they think they know
 We don't live a in a black and white world
 And sexuality exists in the gray
 You can't define those roles so rigidly
 By saying someone's totally straight or totally gay
 Cause people are just people
 And love today is omnisexual
 God, I love this new side of me
 As a modern heteroflexible
 So with the help of a lot of booze
 I find a girl and we make out
 And it feels the same as kissing a guy
 So I don't see what the fuss is about
 We keep hooking up and it feels so good
 And with my new broad outlook firmly in place
 I've come so far, it feels so right
 There's a vagina in my face and I'm all
 Holy shit I didn't expect that, didn't know I'd react that way
 I was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field or like I got pricked by a thorn
 I'm Cinderella and it's midnight and my coach turned into a woman
 I haven't been that close to a vagina since I was born
 I thought I understood what was up down there
 But it's just so human when you see it up close
 It's a messy visible secreting organ
 Real woman genitals are kinda gross
 I thought it'd be smooth and non-threatening
 Or nonexistent like Barbie's
 Instead it looks like a half eaten Beef and Cheddar
 In the garbage can at Arby's
 It's wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy
 And kind of pink but also kind of brown
 With a super aggressive tongue-like hole
 And a hoody triangle protruding skin mound
 It's like a weather beaten deflated football
 Or a decomposing, bloody pear
 Or a toothless mouth with gum rot and yeast
 That's salivating and covered in hair
 I knew it smelled weird but this is extreme
 Like old French dressing at a salad bar
 Or expired banana Activia
 Or a dead, rotting turtle you left in your car
 It reminds me of the smell of my grandma's house
 Or a guinea pig with bacterial disease
 Wafting from a jar of formaldahyde
 Or fresh Spaghetti-O's and warm blue cheese
 Oh God I can't believe I said that
 That was insensitive and immature
 I swear I'm not homophobic or anti-woman
 Just caught of guard for sure
 The female anatomy's divine and perfect
 And should be eternally celebrated
 And revered for it's role as beautiful vessel
 Wherein all life is created
 And when I think about it I'm all
 Sorry for the confusion ma'am
 I guess I'm not that evolved
 And my illusions of bisexuality
 Just instantly dissolved
 I mourn the cool new life I'd envisioned
 Where love renders gender preference obsolete
 Cause when I looked a vagina in the eye
 I made a hasty, ungraceful retreat
 So my sad but definite conclusion is
 That my mouth is for food and penises only
 But I'm happy so many people like it down there
 Otherwise I'd be really lonely
 And I can't believe I have one of those
 Ew