Trauma

I got trauma from my momma
 She used to beat me down as if she was the brown bomber
 I couldn't figure out a way to make her feel calmer
 I think about it now it kinda make me feel somber
 I used to think about it didn't make me feel nothing
 Acting like it mattered didn't make me feel tough and
 Feeling tough was really like my number one focus
 From growing up in a city lots of people feel hopeless
 And listening to music about sex and violence
 Just a matter of time 'fore we was like "let's try this"
 Started having sex when I was 12 years old
 My brain wasn't even done growing
 Coming from a mom that used to wild and bug
 'Fore I was a teen I really needed that love
 Two years later she would dump me for a senior
 Solidifying my misogynist demeanor
 Hearts that young aren't meant to be broken
 Later on I'd get into incessant weed smoking
 Now at 39 I still be wishing and hoping
 Somehow we wind up together I am not joking
 But lemme take it back before my parents got hitched
 My pop was with a woman then that had it all wrong
 By five years old I would already think about sex
 She used to let me hump her legs when he was gone
 I know that sounds mad
 Under the sheets, rubbing my crotch against her calves
 I realize now I always knew that it was something bad
 'Cause up until this song I always kept it from my dad
 But how come any five year old would wanna hump legs?
 I just might have to owe that to my neighbor next door
 He was a little older and a little more mature
 My mother caught us playing doctor I was only four
 Luckily she caught us 'fore we started using mouths
 But not before I found out how it felt to get aroused
 Now I think about it as a grown intellectual
 Life as a shortie shouldn't be so sexual
 I also shoulda never had to lie to BCS
 That type of thing could really bring a kid a lot of stress
 My mom had trauma too so she was only doing her best
 I feared that they were gonna take me out of my address
 No wonder my relationships with women always fail
 What's crazy is I'm lucky 'cause at least I'm not in jail
 Compared to everybody else I had it so easy
 Got family that was touched up by uncles that's so sleazy
 Won't put they business in the street 'cause they know who they are
 The question I have trouble answering is who am I?
 For almost 40 years I was afraid to even ask
 My father always taught me men are not supposed to cry
 So every bit of pain I ever had I locked away
 But now I'm here to let you know that that is not the way
 I thought that I had tricked myself, thought I was being slick
 That fantasy departed when I started getting sick
 The doctors couldn't tell me any way to make it stop
 My soul was under too much pressure it was gonna pop
 It turned out that the only way that I could ever heal
 Is start to work through all the trauma I had kept concealed
 It hasn't happened overnight
 I know that it might take a while
 May even take a life
 But one way or another I just gotta make it right
 Right?