Audiobook

Hi, thank you for purchasing the audiobook of
 "How to Ruin Your Life for Fun and Profit"
 As read by the author, Neil Hilborn
 So, you wanna be unhappy
 You probably think you need to be in pain
 To be an interesting person and artist, and you're right
 People who care about you will tell you
 You don't need to suffer to be important
 But just remember
 Musicians are always most popular the day after they die
 So, are you ready to matter to someone?
 Step one
 Hate yourself
 You are, presumably
 A human being between the ages of alive and dead
 So the chances are you're already there
 Congratulations
 Step two
 Fall in love
 People will tell you that this takes years
 But we have a secret method
 That will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week
 The trick is, you must be completely unable to tell the difference
 Between love and codependence
 Step three
 Fall in love with someone else at the same time
 People will tell you that this is impossible
 Given the love already inside you
 But they don't know you
 Your heart is limitless
 Your heart is a well that goes all the way down
 You can fit everyone in there
 But remember to lie about it
 Love can't exist with knowledge of other love
 Step four
 At this point
 You may be doubting your decision to totally fuck up your life
 So ask yourself
 Would you rather be happy or interesting?
 Would you rather be on the news or just watching it?
 Happy people don't make history
 Happy people make children, then die
 Step five
 Self-diagnose a mental disorder
 That makes you aloof and impossible to contact
 If someone accuses you of being a bad friend, lover, or child
 Accuse them of being insensitive
 Step six
 All of the elements are in place
 Now, start sabotaging your own life
 Remember, this isn't crazy, this is research
 This is material
 This is necessary for your personal growth
 Step seven
 You've been in love with two people for a while now
 Tell them about each other
 Whichever one stays is the winner
 Eight
 Call your boss a fascist chipmunk-fucker
 Tell your friends fun lies about your other friends
 Tell your mother she was the reason you tried to kill yourself
 Remember, it's just not depression without total isolation
 Nine
 Do something to hurt yourself
 It may be a bicycle accident
 It may be credit card debt
 It may be a razor
 Literal or not, make yourself bleed
 Step ten
 Create something
 Paint your scars on the side of a building
 Write a poem and shout it at strangers
 The misery circus is parading into town
 And you are holding the banner
 Miles of people are following you
 They are all wearing grey
 A rainbow of grey
 They are all watching as they kick themselves bloody on their own feet
 You have scars
 And everyone wants to kiss them
 This is stigmata pornography
 This is inspiration
 You are why they are still alive
 You are morning in a world of midnights
 You are so brave
 And they want to be brave just like you
 Look at what you have built
 Everything you loved is gone
 Tell yourself it was worth it