I'm an Ordinary Man

I find the moment I let any woman make friends with me
 She becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned nuisance
 And I find that the moment that I make friends with a woman
 I become selfish and tyrannical
 So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so
 After all, Pickering
 I'm an ordinary man
 Who desires nothing more than just an ordinary chance
 To live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants
 An average man am I
 Of no eccentric whim
 Who likes to live his life, free of strife
 Doing whatever he thinks is best for him
 Just an ordinary man
 But, let a woman in your life
 And your serenity is through
 She'll redecorate your home
 From the cellar to the dome
 Then go to the enthralling fun of overhauling you
 Oh, let a woman in your life
 And you're up against a wall
 Make a plan and you will find
 She has something else in mind
 And so rather than do either
 You do something else that neither likes at all
 You want to talk of Keats or Milton
 She only wants to talk of love
 You go to see a play or ballet
 And spend it searching for her glove
 Oh, let a woman in your life
 And you invite eternal strife
 Let them buy their wedding bands
 For those anxious little hands
 I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling
 Than to ever let a woman in my life
 
 I'm a very gentle man
 Even-tempered and good-natured
 Whom you never hear complain
 Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein
 A patient man am I
 Down to my fingertips
 The sort who never could, ever would
 Let an insulting remark escape his lips
 Just a very gentle man
 But, let a woman in your life
 And patience hasn't got a chance
 She will beg you for advice
 Your reply will be concise
 And she'll listen very nicely
 Then go out and do precisely what she wants!
 You are a man of grace and polish
 Who never spoke above a hush
 Now all at once you're using language
 That would make a sailor blush
 Oh, let a woman in your life
 And you're plunging in a knife
 Let the others of my sex
 Tie the knot around their necks
 I'd prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
 Than to ever let a woman in my life
 I'm a quiet living man
 Who prefers to spend the evenings
 In the silence of his room
 Who likes an atmosphere as restful
 As an undiscovered tomb
 A pensive man am I
 Of philosophic joys
 Who likes to meditate, comtemplate
 Free from humanity's mad inhuman noise
 Just a quiet living man
 But, let a woman in your life
 And your sabbatical is through
 In a line that never ends
 Come an army of her friends
 Come to jabber, and to chatter
 And to tell her what the matter is with you!
 She'll have a booming boisterous family
 Who will descend on you en mass
 She'll have a large wagnerian mother
 With a voice that shatters glass
 Oh, let a woman in your life
 Let a woman in your life
 Let a woman in your life
 ♪
 I shall never let a woman in my life