Inner Voice

I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
 Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
 Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
 And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
 I got a ten story mansion on the beach
 With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
 Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
 That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
 I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
 If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
 Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
 The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
 And how did I get to be the man that I am?
 A god among men, only without the tan
 It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
 I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
 "Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
 OK
 "Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
 back in the cows"
 Alright
 "Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
 OK
 "Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
 and Regis Philbin"
 Yeah!
 So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
 Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
 It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
 Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
 Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
 'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
 And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
 I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
 "Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
 Done, and done.
 "Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
 prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
 OK
 "There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
 Hmm, no, I suppose not.
 "Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
 and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
 your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
 He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
 And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
 Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
 Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
 And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
 If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
 I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
 "Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
 and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
 Good idea
 "It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
 If you say so
 "Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
 and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
 and tiptoe around the airport."
 Sounds like fun
 "How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
 to fit down the toilet?"
 I don't know. Let's find out.
 "Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
 So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
 For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
 And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
 And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
 I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duchets
 If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
 So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
 Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
 "Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
 Yeah!
 "Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
 warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
 pez, and lint."
 With pleasure!
 "If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
 a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
 Yeah, I guess so.
 "Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officer Big Mac
 thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
 cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
 You got it!
 "Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
 Oh... do I have to?