Bringin’ Back Christmas

Look, real trees are trending downward
 Your sales continue slipping
 They destroyed your bottom lines
 With plastic pines and same-day shipping
 Well, you've got the better product
 But if you wanna win
 You gotta study human nature
 All those interested, lean in
 People are, one, lazy
 We only care about ourselves
 Your competition knows this
 So their crap flies off the shelves
 But we're also, two, desperate
 To feel good, smart, right
 And that's what you have to harness
 If you wanna win this fight
 See, what you're really selling
 Is the way things oughta be
 So your pitch becomes compelling
 Selling more than just a tree
 It's a symbol of your values
 It's your ethics and your cause
 You can either be fake like the trees they make
 Or take a stand for Santa Claus
 We're bringin' back Christmas
 We're bringin' back cheer
 We're bringin' back cozy nights, those twinkly lights, the glow of yesteryear
 Now, it's some slight manipulation
 But it's what we gotta do
 See, we need some confrontation
 Or your message won't get through
 We're bringin' back decency
 We're bringin' back Christmas
 And that means the piney scent of a real authentic tree
 Oh, it would be sure, simple
 To boost your market share
 We'd rebrand you as nostalgic
 Tell your customers you care
 But the world is what? (What?)
 Tribal! (Oh!)
 So if you want your sales to soar
 It's not enough for folks to love you
 They gotta hate your rivals more
 As an expert, my advice is
 Feed that hate, 'cause hate is strong
 Folks will gladly pay your prices
 To prove those Christmas killers wrong!
 We're bringin' back Christmas
 And all the joy that we lost (we're bringin' it back)
 Give me some peace on Earth
 A virgin birth, and Grandpa gettin' sauced
 Every Facebook-lovin' boomer
 Wants to fight a culture war (a culture war)
 So tell your core consumer (it's war)
 What the hell they're fightin' for
 A fight for morality (a fight for morality)
 We're bringin' back Christmas
 And it's not comin' back with some manufactured tree
 I'm talking a living tree in your living room
 As I reach up to place the angel on top
 I look out my window and I see my neighbor, Doug
 'Cross the street, snapping together his artificial tree
 Easy-peasy, poor, lazy, deplorable Doug
 Who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect
 Of his town, of his country, of our sacred holiday!
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 I'm talkin' nativities and sweet baby Jeez
 Fat honey hams, Mariah Carey jams
 Feliz Navidad, and the birth of our God
 Gathered 'round with our families
 We're bringin' back Christmas
 We're bringin' back Christmas
 Plus a ton of cash
 From some good old-fashioned trees
 Oh, the cozy glow of yesteryear
 Oh, the twinkly lights and all the cheer
 We're bringin' back Christmas (we're bringin' back Christmas)
 Ah