Lose a Friend

I'm still frozen on the deck
 I'm still sprinting down the hall
 His hands still push down on my head
 By the fence at governors ball
 And I guess I still pretend
 It doesn't all feel like my fault
 And I still sit outside that house
 Let him kiss me in his car
 I'm still dying to get out
 He's still pushing me too far
 I still wish that I turned down
 All those drinks back at the bar
 Why's it so hard
 I didn't wanna make a big deal
 I didn't wanna lose a friend
 I didn't wanna make it this real
 And have to feel it all again
 I didn't wanna make a big deal
 But it's a big deal in the end
 It's a big deal in the end
 I'm still cringing at a name
 I'm still lying in a bed
 Trying not to let my brain
 Hear the way my heart objects
 I washed the clothes but to this day
 I never put them on again, again
 I didn't wanna make a big deal
 I didn't wanna lose a friend
 I didn't wanna make it this real
 And have to feel it all again
 I didn't wanna make a big deal
 But it's a big deal in the end
 It's a big deal in the end
 You're not my fucking friend
 You're not my fucking friend
 You're not my fucking friend
 I'm still twenty, I'm still ten
 I'm still noticing the hurt
 Cause I remembered everything I just never found the words